In honor of Heroes’ Claire bellyflopping even further into BORING at the season finale, I introduce this fictional character battle.
It’s got Wolverine in it, so I expect this site to rocket to popularity, because Wolverine makes things do that.
Sure, one’s a grizzled Canadian with a leather suit and adamantium claws and one’s a cheerleader who’s dabbled in lesbianism, but they do have one thing in common. Angst. Oh, wait, two things: Angst and the ability to heal from any sort of injury, up to and including ones that cause immediate and utter death.
Let’s get down to it, then.
Physicality. Cheerleader Claire is a cute and perky blonde cheerleader. Some people are into that sort of thing. Wolverine has crazy hair and is short. Except in the movies, where he is portrayed by Hugh Jackman, which means Wolverine wins. Winner? The Hugh Jackman version of Wolverine.
Makes things popular by their very presence? You wanna sell a Marvel comic book? Slap Wolverine on the cover. All he has to do is play a game of pool with Doop and boom! You’re set. Cheerleader Claire, on the other hand, had to resort to experimenting with lesbianism to get people to watch her crappy, crappy show. Winner? Wolverine.
Is a badass killer type? As far as I know, Cheerleader Claire hasn’t killed anybody. I don’t know because I only watched the first five or six episodes of Heroes, and skipped most of the Peter bits, because he is a damn wiener. So maybe Cheerleader Claire was murdering all sorts of people in those bits or since then, but I’m pretty sure not. Wolverine, on the other hand, is an assassin trying to make good. Usually by killing people, which kind of defeats the purpose. But they’re bad people! But purpose defeated. Anyway, winner? Wolverine.
Looks good in a cheerleader uniform? Let’s just assume this category is a gimme for Cheerleader Claire, because a Google search of “Wolverine cheerleader” only found me a picture of a stupid mascot that might or might not be an actual wolverine. In any case, it doesn’t look particularly good in its uniform. Winner? Cheerleader Claire.
Survived their own death? Yes, as a matter of fact. Clair had a thing sticking in her brain. Lead pipe, piece of dead tree, I don’t know. As soon as that came out, she closed up her open chest (autopsy, you know), and took off. Wolverine gets killed, like, every other issue of X-Men, and he’s just fine by the next. Winner? It’s a tie.
Hangs out with cooler people? As mopey as the damned X-Men are, they are nowhere near as mopey as the heroes in Heroes. Seriously, why do all these super-powered people have to be so angst-y??? Wah! I have an awesome superpower! Why is life so hard? Stop whining, you whiny little bitch superheroes. Winner? Wolverine, but only because that damn wiener Peter Petrelli is the whiniest wiener that ever whined. Or wienered. I hate you so much, Peter.
Has daddy issues? Hey! You know who has daddy issues? Cheerleader Claire does! Cheerleader Claire has daddy issues all over the place. She has them left and she has them right. So many daddy issues! Wolverine doesn’t even have one daddy, let alone two of them, like Claire does. Poor Wolverine. He must be so lonely. Winner? Cheerleader Claire.
Uses their healing power for good? Wolverine is trying to redeem himself for the whole super-assassin thing, so he hangs out with the goodiest goody superheroes known to Marvel comics. He does good deeds all over the place, like fighting Magneto, a guy who controls magnetism, with his adamantium (read as: metal) claws. Wolverine is not all that bright. Claire? Claire gets rescued a lot and recently belly-flopped from the top of a ferris wheel or something, I don’t know. I guess it’s good to reveal your superpowers to the world? Because they won’t want to dissect you or anything? Winner? It’s Wolverine. Claire’s pretty useless.
And, just because I hate Heroes SO MUCH, the final category is: Has adamantium claws? Wolverine has adamantium claws! He uses them for snikt! Cheerleader Claire has no claws, adamantium or otherwise, and thus does not snikt. Winner? Wolverine!
Overall winner? You bet your sweet caboose it’s Wolverine. What kind of geek would I be if Cheerleader Claire had a snowball’s chance in hell of winning this battle? A poor geek. A very, very poor geek indeed.