Will it finally happen today?

March 1, 2010 at 7:01 pm (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now)

Each night, when I walk to my car after work, carrying my lunch pail and messenger bag jauntily along, I wonder: Will today be the day?

I wonder: Did I finally piss off the Interstellar Mafia/Catholic League/Associated Aetheists Organization/PETA/Hollywood/all those other groups that hate me to the point that they’ve finally done it?

I wonder: Is today the day I put my keys in the ignition and set off a car bomb that (insert evil organization name here) has installed? And if they did finally install the car bomb, is it the kind that goes off when I start the car or is there a delay? Is it weight sensitive? Will it go off because I went back for seconds at the Chinese buffet? Maybe it’s the kind that goes off when you unlock the door, and I won’t even have time to set my stuff down. That doesn’t seem fair. I hope it’s not that kind. That kind would suck. Unless I can throw myself away right as the explosion goes off, like they do in the movies. That would be all right, then. I would like to throw myself through the air, barely escaping with my life intact. It probably won’t be that kind. Also, I’d probably have to throw myself pretty far. Will they have to identify me by my teeth? Will I feel it? Will it be like a bright flash of light or a loud noise? Will there be witnesses? Will there be — God willing — collateral damage? Please tell me there will be collateral damage. I don’t want anyone else to die (that’s nearby, probably), but if I can smear all over someone’s car, man, that’s how I want to go. Inconveniencing as many people as possible.

And each night, I drive safely home. Wondering: Will it be tomorrow? Will tomorrow be the day?

What I like best about this sign is that, in addition to the large sign that doesn't want exploding cars in the vicinity, there's another, smaller sign that hates brass instruments.


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