Soooo … how many times did you wee in terror watching the Alice in Wonderland trailer?

March 3, 2010 at 3:28 pm (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , )

I don’t know. I can’t decide if it’s fun watching Tim Burton’s psychotic break happen or not so much.

A lot of people are saying how the new Alice in Wonderland movie is lush and beautiful and for mature audiences who can appreciate a good movie, and I think they are just really, really wrong. Alice in Wonderland might be lush and beautiful and for mature audiences, but it’s not for the ones who can appreciate a good movie, it’s for the ones who don’t have residual night terrors from the cartoon.

I mean, this movie is even scarier.

It’s like seeing the Cheshire Cat come to life and knowing he’s waiting under your bed.

GAAAAAAAHHHHH!

It’s like the Red Queen and her head is really, really big.

GAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! some more!

It’s like Johnny Depp and you can’t make out his really excellent features.

GAAAAAAHHHH! Again! But with anger mixed in with the abject terror!

I mean, is there anything scarier than not being able to recognize Johnny Depp? (Is Tim Burton a really homely guy and he’s taking it out on Johnny Depp and the audiences who love his beauty? And what does Burton have against his own wife?)

You should be grateful to have a classy lady like Helena Bonham-Carter, Mr. Burton.

I know that a lot of people are excited for this movie. I don’t blame you. Well, I kind of blame you, because seriously, do you not feel fear? What is wrong with you?

Roly-poly deformed twins don’t frighten you?

No amount of GAAAAHHHHH!!!ing can make this right.

Anne Hathaway’s white wig doesn’t send a shudder of fear down your spine?

Well, OK, I can get behind that. She's beautiful.

Really? Really and truly? Are you made of steel? How can you not be afraid?

Seriously, tell me in the comments below. I’ll read the answers if I can work up the courage to get out from under my bed covers.

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