The Bones vs. The Smurfs

March 8, 2010 at 7:12 pm (Fictional Character Battles) (, )

The Bones and The Smurfs. Both bulbous-nosed odd little creatures with no genitals to speak of.

Otherwise, they would be wearing pants.

Smurfs are kind of like hairless blue rats. With no genitals.

That was really all the further my brain got on this whole “intro” thing, so, erm, the Bones are Jeff Smith’s little creatures from his bestselling comic book “Bone,” and the Smurfs are the Smurfs.

That’s really all you need to know.

Well, that and don't dress like smurfs, 'cause it's creepy.

Battle ho!

Physicality: Like I said earlier, both The Bones and The Smurfs are bulbous-nosed creatures with no genitals to speak of. The Bones probably have ’em somewhere, but I try not to think about it. I think the Smurfs, I don’t know, sprout from mushrooms or something. But the physicality category isn’t about genitals alone! No! It’s about other asthetically pleasing qualities, like not being Smurfs. Winners? The Bones.

Hopeless crush on unattainable female? Oh, heavens yes.

I know I've said this before, Fone Bone, but you have no genitals.

Unless she was the communal chick smurf, I don't know.

Winners? It’s a tie.

Would be delicious in a stew, or perhaps quiche? According to these folks, yes.

It's a little sad that his life's pursuit was to chase small blue creatures in the hopes of creating a stew out of them.

A word the rat creatures used to describe the Bones was "succulent."

Winners? Another tie.

Fought a great evil and helped save the world? Now you’d think any guy who names his cat after the angel of death and is a wicked sorceror would be considered a great evil, but it’s not like Gargamel really did anything all that bad except annoy the smurfs. On the other hand, the Bones had to face a creature that wanted to destroy all of creation. And they beat it, because good always triumphs. Winners? The Bones.

Bone is a children's comic! No nightmares for them!

Have a catchy, yet lyric-less, theme song that wakes you from your peaceful slumber because it just won’t stop going through your head, over and over, in some sort of horrific infinite loop? The Bones are in a comic book. The Smurfs have a cartoon. Guess which one goes “Lah-lah-la-lah-lah-lah”? Did you guess the Smurfs? If you didn’t, you probably suffer from this condition. Winner? The Smurfs.

Getting made into a live action/CGI movie? Winner? The Smurfs.

Starring Neil Patrick Harris? Winner? The Smurfs.

Who would’ve thunk it? I know, they’ve been talking about making a Bone movie forever.

Moving right along, fought a scarier cat? Azrael is the angel of death, sure, but that cat’s just your average, everyday house cat. Smurfs are like hairless mice. Rock Jaw, on the other hand, is a giant mountain lion that is bigger than your house. Winner? The Bones.

That's one damned big cat.

Then it’s a tie, unless my math is off! Let’s just assume it’s not.

The tiebreaker then: How many times can the creators of said creatures reference “The Lord of the Rings”? Oh, so many times, Jeff Smith. So many times. Winners? The Bones.

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