Helo vs. Scarlet Witch

March 15, 2010 at 5:23 pm (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , , )

What do Karl “Helo” Agathon and Wanda “Scarlet Witch” Maximoff have in common?

Why, more things than you would think, that’s what.

Helo should wear short sleeves always, never mind the weather.

Does that chafe, Wanda? That seems like it would chafe.

For a little background, Helo is from the reimagined (and awesome!) Battlestar Galactica. The Scarlet Witch is a mutant from X-Men. Additionally, the new Battlestar Galactica is much better than the original. Also, Helo flies some sort of space vehicle. Whee!

Let’s get to battlin’, folks!

Physicality. The Scarlet Witch, according to her Marvel wiki, is an auburn-haired, blue-eyed beauty. OK, they don’t actually use the word “beauty,” but have you ever seen a Marvel artist draw an ugly mutant (when Grant Morrison’s not doing the writing)? Helo, on the other hand, is one of the most attractive men to ever grace the television screen. His arms are all wow, and his face is like oooooh and the rest of him is also very excellent. Winner? Karl “So hot you made Lokifire forget how adjectives work” Agathon.

Heh. Heh heh heh heh heh. Heh. Sighhhhh.

Fell in love with and married an android? Well, that’s an oddly specific question. What’s the likelihood that one, let alone both these characters would have — What’s that you say? They both married androids? Both of them? Really?

That’s right, folks. Helo married Sharon “not the Boomer one” Valerii, who then became Sharon “Athena” Agathon, which is less confusing than calling her “not the Boomer one.” But still confusing, even though Grace Park did a great job giving all the various Sharons different personalities/mannerisms. Against all odds, their love prevailed. It was beautiful.

Also? They are beautiful.

The Scarlet Witch, on the other hand, married an android who didn’t even bother to try to look particularly human, the Vision. He’s all metal-ly and … stuff. Ew.

At least Father Tres looks human, dammit.

Winner? It’s a resounding tie. (I’m not sure a tie can actually be resounding, but let’s just go with it, ‘kay?)

Went on to have babies with said android? Now this seems even more impossible and … wait, what? They both had offspring somehow? What, was it like magic or something?

Oh, well, yes, in the Scarlet Witch’s case, it was magic. She magically had magical babies through her magical android lovin’.

Actually, in Helo’s case, it was probably a bit magical too, because the writers never really could supply us with a good reason why some Cylon/human pairings resulted in babies and others didn’t other than “the power of love,” which is ridiculous, so magic it is.

The winner? You’d think this would be another tie, but it’s not, because once someone was like, “Hey, Scarlet Witch, isn’t it kind of impossible to have babies with an android?”, said babies ceased to exist (or something), whereas if anyone would have said that to Helo, he’d have been all, “yeah, well look at Hera here.” And then punched them for insulting his wife. Helo wins.

And we win, 'cause here's another picture of Helo and Athena!

Can alter reality? Hey, you know who can alter reality? The Scarlet Witch can alter reality. She altered reality so hard she thought she had little android babies, which is totally impossible.  Also, she uses that power to screw with her enemies, which is totally awesome and something I would also do to my enemies. Winner? The Scarlet Witch.

Has a cooler code name? Helo’s code name is Helo. Wikipedia tells me Helo can refer to helicopters (although mostly it refers to Karl “Helo” Agathon), which is cool. The Scarlet Witch’s code name is Scarlet Witch. Which totally describes the thing that she is. Winner? The Scarlet Witch. I’m not so sure about that whole helicopter thing.

Has better taste in androids? I don’t think anyone reading this blog, or anywhere in the world for that matter, would turn down a night of passion with Grace Park. Have you seen her? She’s gorgeous.

You can google her Maxim photos. This is a family-friendly blog! (It's really not.)

On the other hand, have you seen Vision? He’s not pretty at all.

Unless you like your men like you like your cars: made of metal and primary colors.

Winner? Helo.

Fathered the dawn of modern humanity? Wanda Maximoff’s dad Magneto is always going on about how Homo Superior is the future of mankind, but so far, they just seem to squabble amongst themselves and fight crime or commit crimes, so, I’m not sure I take his word on that. On the other hand, Helo and Athena’s daughter Hera was apparently mitochondrial Eve, because, sure, why not, Battlestar Galactica? Also, I probably gave away the winner of this category with the whole “fathered” thing, huh. Winner? Karl “Father of modern humanity is too long a nickname” Agathon.

I wish I was the actress playing Helo's daughter.

Flies some sort of space vehicle? Helo flies a raptor. That’s pretty sweet. The Scarlet Witch has probably been to space too, because that’s what all the mutants are doing nowadays. However, we can’t be certain she piloted a space vehicle to travel to space. Why can’t we be certain? Because her Marvel wiki was boring and we stopped reading, that’s why. Winner? Helo.

Although we can all admit that a raptor is no viper.

Overall winner? For the first time in the history of this blog, a Marvel character went up against a television character and came out on the losing end. That, truly, is the power of awesome. For Helo. Because he won. Helo.

Karl "Helo" Agathon never really smiled, but sometimes Tahmoh Penikett does.

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2 Comments

  1. warrenshea said,

    This is quite the (unexpected) comparison…was there inspiration from it or were you just thinking one day while watching BSG…”damn, Helo is SO like the Scarlet Witch! It’s obvious!”

    And don’t bash Vision’s color scheme. Yellow, Green are awesome colors. Look at the A-List characters with that color scheme: Rogue….um….Iron Fist? Need I say more?

    It’s probably tough to sense the /sarcasm here….

    • lokifire said,

      Actually, I was lying in bed one night and suddenly jolted upright:
      “Helo and the Scarlet Witch are so similar!” I cried.
      I hate my damn brain.

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