A love letter to “Tallahassee”

March 23, 2010 at 6:58 pm (I Propose to Fictional Characters) (, , )

(I put the “Tallahassee” in quotes so all y’all would get that I mean the character in Zombieland and not the city in Florida, unless you don’t get that I know how to use quotes properly. In that case, I kind of hate you.)

Dear “Tallahassee,”

I hate things with double letters. Really I do. I never know if I’m doubling too many of those letters or not enough. It’s horrible.

But you know what I don’t hate, “Tallahassee”? Your preternatural zombie-slaying skills. Man, I love those. You’re all like, “Hey, what’s that? A zombie?” And it’s all chainsaw massacre first, ask questions later.

Pickaxe murdering first is also all right by me, "Tallahassee."

So. Awesome.

The shotgun is also awesome, "Tallahassee."

Plus, you look good in a cowboy hat, which not many people do, and I should know, “Tallahassee,” because I live in a state where a large number of people insist on wearing cowboy hats and also working on ranches.

When they could be preparing for the impending zombie apocalypse.

I think we could work as a couple, “Tallahassee,” not least because, were I to survive the zombie apocalypse (which I am pretty confident I will do, “Tallahassee,” what with all the preparations I have made. Can you say “Zombie honey trap”? I am prepared.), I would be of an age-appropriate range for you, which the only other (as far as I can tell) surviving females are far, far, far too young.

Especially the 11-year-old, although I suspect she will be quite the catch when she reaches a legal age.

What do I bring to the relationship table, you wonder?

I’ll tell you what. In addition to my markedly impressive zombie-slaughtering talents (I’ve been practicing on hobos, “Tallahassee”), I have access to a cookbook with secret famous recipes. What does that have to do with anything, you wonder?

I’ll tell you what that has to do with anything. Baking. Twinkies. That’s what that has to do with anything. Or deep-fat-frying them. Or cooking them over a campfire that was lit with the souls of children, I don’t know. However Twinkies are made.

Wait, if these are twinkies, what the hell are the ones with frosting on top?

I would do that for you, “Tallahassee.”

Especially if you let me borrow your car and run over a few zombies with it.

Oh, please, please, please!



  1. RubyRose said,

    I 100% agree on the double letter business. Though anytime the zombie apocalypse comes up, I immediately worry because the like whole first floor of my house is glass..and large window panes vs. horde of zombies means I’m freaking dinner.

    • lokifire said,

      Not if you have enough shotguns, RubyRose. Not enough you have enough shotguns.

      • RubyRose said,

        But eventually, I would just be over taken by zombies. And there you’ll be with a man & a cow-boy hat, & mad zombie-killing skills.

      • lokifire said,

        What you need, RubyRose, is a zombie plan in place. I never go anywhere without thinking, “How do I escape when the zombies attack?”

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