Hey, are those titans CLASHING?

March 31, 2010 at 10:50 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , , , )

It’s a sad day for the world when Hollywood combines two of my favorite-est things — mythology and movies with giant monsters and lots of fight scenes and also really attractive men — and come up with Clash of the Titans (2010).

But can I really blame them, since it introduces a gorgon with the body of a snake to the world?

(Although I do have to admit, I take a perverse pleasure in hearing Liam Neeson roar, “Release the Kraken!“)

(I also have to admit that I then have to yell, “Release the Kraken!” myself, with the appropriate hand gestures of godliness.)

(But I do have to wonder, if Liam Neeson is supposed to be Zeus, why does he look like a character from Tron? Speaking of, who can’t wait for Tron Legacy?!!!)

Shiny! Take that, Twilight vampires!

(I didn’t start out intending to do this post as a series of parentheses, but I think that’s where we’re heading.)

So Sam Worthington is Perseus, who has to fight a bunch of monsters for some reason that I never saw the original, OK? I had a boyfriend who loved it, but he also had a Winona Ryder fetish, so his judgment is questionable. (Also, he dated me, so that really calls his judgment into question.)

It's a shame that more men don't wear leather skirts nowadays.

Liam Neeson is Zeus, and he looks kind of ridiculous, and Ralph Fiennes is Hades, and he looks utterly ridiculous.

Just because he's the god of the underworld is no reason not to let him be hot, people.

Pete Postlethwaite is also in Clash of the Titans and, while he looks the same as always, I still can’t spell Postlethwaite right, or pronounce it. I mean, the man deserves a paycheck as much as the rest of us, if not more for his ungodly talent, but I hate to see him sink to this.

I swear to God, this guy doesn't age.

Then there’s some scantily clad chicks chained to stuff, because if ancient Greece was about anything, it was about scantily clad chicks chain to stuff and also barely dressed young men. (Ancient Greece was a swingin’ place.)

Then there’s the Kraken.

Release the Kraken!!!

Also, and this is just me, a major mythology nerd, speaking: The titans are long dead by the time this movie takes place, so it should really be called Clash of the gods vs. the men who are demi-gods and a bunch of average humans.

Then the tagline could be “Gods and men who are demi-gods and a bunch of average humans WILL CLASH!”

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