A love letter to Evil Dead 2’s Ash

April 5, 2010 at 5:53 pm (I Propose to Fictional Characters) (, , , , )

Dear Ash,

Sooooo … sorry about your girlfriend.

I mean, the way she was possessed by Candarian demons and tried to kill you? That’s really tragic. Also the way you had to behead her? I am so sorry. And the way she crawled out of her grave and did a creepy stop-motion dance? That is more than one man should have to endure.

But I want you to know: I’m here for you.

Actually, Evil Dead 2’s Ash, I want you to know this as well: I love you. I love you as much as any woman can love a man with a chainsaw hand. Which is a lot.

That is so hot.

I mean, wow! You have a chainsaw hand!

A chainsaw hand!

A CHAINSAW HAND!

What’s better than a chainsaw hand?

"A fistful of boomstick" was the best answer I got around the workplace.

In addition to your chainsaw hand, which is certainly one of your most appealing traits, I appreciate your willingness to slaughter Candarian demons, whether they be possessing your girlfriend’s corpse or not.

Die, Candarian demons, die!

I mean, that’s awesome.

Who doesn’t want to date a guy who’s a master of Candarian demon-slaying? I mean, come on! That’s what I look for in every guy I date, which is why none of them will ever live up to you, Evil Dead 2’s Ash. Because you, sir, are the original. You are the master.

I love you.

Also, you grow up to become Sam Axe and hang out with Michael Westen and his Charger, and I could totally get on board with that.

As long as you don't mind me coming on to your really hot friends, I think we could work.

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