Things I can’t compete with

April 6, 2010 at 11:15 am (Top Ten) (, , , , , , , , , , )

When fabulous poet/wit Dorothy Parker feared her husband Alan Campbell was having a homosexual affair, she was quoted as saying: “I can compete with the girls, you know, but not with the boys.”

She had a point.

Thus, for your reading pleasure, here’s a list of 10 things that I can’t compete with:

1. Ziyi Zhang. Put me up against the talented Chinese actress and, for some reason, I always come up lacking.

But so does everyone! I mean, look at her!

2. The boys. Again, Ms. Parker had a point here. It’s hard to compete against the boys when the boys have bits that the girls don’t.

Also, they're so PRETTY nowadays.

3. Your body pillow girlfriend/wife. There are many things body pillows can do that I can’t, and one of those things includes tolerating someone who would marry a body pillow.

Tolerate? Actually, I would have a hard time not punching you in the throat. Enjoy your body pillow.

4. Cylons. Cylons look like Tricia Helfer and Grace Park. I don’t so much.

Lucy Lawless is also more awesome than I am.

5. Your awesome CIA girlfriend. In every category, I come up short when compared to your awesome CIA girlfriend.

For instance, my hair NEVER looks this good when I'm in a gun fight.

6. That anime character you have a crush on. It’s true. I don’t have perky anime boobs, and I’m not charmingly clumsy, so when I fall, I don’t land with my lacy panties slightly exposed, I end up scraping most of the skin off my face and bleeding all over.

Of course, you will always come in second to Spike Spiegel, so we have that in common, anyway.

7. Dorothy Parker. She was witty, she wrote great poetry and short stories, and she could hold her liquor waaaaaay better than I can. She could also come up with witty retorts on the spot, and I just can’t do that.

I'm the poor man's Dorothy Parker! The really, really, really, REALLY poor man's Dorothy Parker!

8. Your ex, Julia. I just can’t wear a full-body leather suit with that panache. I wish I could, but I can’t.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I. Sweat.

9. Lady superheroes. I was just going to say “superheroes,” but I specifically mean the ones who keep their superhero costumes up with a bit of spirit gum and luck.

Also, gravity isn't an issue for superheroes.

10. Your 1985 Crown Victoria. I can’t compete with a car like that. I won’t even try.

Pictured here: something that is better than me in every way.

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