When fabulous poet/wit Dorothy Parker feared her husband Alan Campbell was having a homosexual affair, she was quoted as saying: “I can compete with the girls, you know, but not with the boys.”
She had a point.
Thus, for your reading pleasure, here’s a list of 10 things that I can’t compete with:
1. Ziyi Zhang. Put me up against the talented Chinese actress and, for some reason, I always come up lacking.
2. The boys. Again, Ms. Parker had a point here. It’s hard to compete against the boys when the boys have bits that the girls don’t.
3. Your body pillow girlfriend/wife. There are many things body pillows can do that I can’t, and one of those things includes tolerating someone who would marry a body pillow.
4. Cylons. Cylons look like Tricia Helfer and Grace Park. I don’t so much.
5. Your awesome CIA girlfriend. In every category, I come up short when compared to your awesome CIA girlfriend.
6. That anime character you have a crush on. It’s true. I don’t have perky anime boobs, and I’m not charmingly clumsy, so when I fall, I don’t land with my lacy panties slightly exposed, I end up scraping most of the skin off my face and bleeding all over.
7. Dorothy Parker. She was witty, she wrote great poetry and short stories, and she could hold her liquor waaaaaay better than I can. She could also come up with witty retorts on the spot, and I just can’t do that.
8. Your ex, Julia. I just can’t wear a full-body leather suit with that panache. I wish I could, but I can’t.
9. Lady superheroes. I was just going to say “superheroes,” but I specifically mean the ones who keep their superhero costumes up with a bit of spirit gum and luck.
10. Your 1985 Crown Victoria. I can’t compete with a car like that. I won’t even try.