Please, God, let my death not be needlessly stupid

April 15, 2010 at 6:28 pm (Top Ten) (, )

It’s time for a list! A list of ways I don’t want to die.

1. Crushed by a crashing airplane while jogging and listening to my MP3 player. I mean, why the hell would I be jogging?

2. Pissing on anything electrical. I don’t care if Mythbusters disproved it. They disproved the awesomeness of ninja too, which means I have no faith in Mythbusters.

3. Murdered by a serial-killing killer whale. I frakkin’ hate sea life.


4. Naked. I just — I would like to have clothing on when I die. That is all.

5. Doing what I loved. I love doing the things I love. I don’t want them to be cut off unnecessarily and, indeed, permanently. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I want to die doing what I hate, so at least I can be relieved that it’s finally over.

6. Crushed by an elephant. I think, of all the things out there you could get crushed by, an elephant would be one that smells the worst.

Although it does seem like they go out of their way to crush things.

7. On Dec. 21, 2012. I really don’t want to prove those damnable conspiracy theorists right.

Being murdered by Roland Emmerich would also suck.

8. Because of anything, ANYTHING, lodged inside any part of my body that shouldn’t be there. I don’t care how it got there, I don’t want it killing me.  Sex toy, metal rod, whatever. Get it out. Get it out now!

9. Saying something stupid, like, “No, I’m sure the window will hold.” I will never, ever believe that the window will hold and I’m sure as hell not testing it.

Admittedly, it's cooler when a polar bear does it.

10. Ironically. Especially since people think “ironically” means “coincidentally” nowadays. I don’t want my death to be an exercise in bad grammar.

I can only hope that "death by iron" is covered under "ironically."



  1. RubyRose said,

    oh. my. god. I dig your blog.

  2. Aktiv8 said,

    I’m pretty sure that guy who got hit by a plane knew it was coming. I have an Ipod Nano and I listen to a lot of Guitar Wolf, and it’s still drowned out by light traffic. I can only suppose that someone was trying to take him out, like Cary Grant in North by Northwest.

    • lokifire said,

      Gods, I hope he didn’t see it coming. I’d rather be like, “Hey, what’s that shadow — now I’m dead” than “Got to flee! Got to flee! Can’t! Flee! Fast! Enough!”
      Also, the article said it was more like a glider, so I think it was pretty quiet.
      Also, you’re not playing your Nano loud enough.

  3. Aktiv8 said,

    Ohhhhhhhh. That’s it. I wondered what that little button that said “VOL” on it stood for. I thought it was to make everything more voluptuous.

    • lokifire said,

      No, no, voluptuousness is what that button is for.

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