A love letter to “Coop”

April 16, 2010 at 4:53 pm (I Propose to Fictional Characters) (, )

Dear “Coop,”

Can I call you “Coop”? I hope I can. I sincerely do. Because the name Dale makes me think of two things (neither of which is you): 1) a cartoon chipmunk; 2) a singing cowgirl.

You know what? I’m just going to call you “Coop.”

And, baby, when you call me? You can call me Al.

“Coop,” I herewith insert my proposal to live in wedded bliss with you.

I felt I had to make my proposal a bit oblique, since, you know, backwards-talking dwarves and all.

Now, I realize our relationship might be in for some tough times, seeing as how you’re trapped in some alternate dimension surrounded by backwards-talking dwarves, dead beauty queens, red curtains and the other crazy things that were shat out of David Lynch’s brain.

I mean, frakking FRAK, he's INSANE!!!!

But I’m willing to make some sacrifices.

I mean, my god, “Coop”! You’re “Coop”! Also known as Agent Dale Cooper, the best-est FBI agent ever(-er)!! (Results of a previous fictional character battle notwithstanding.)

We wondered: “Who killed Laura Palmer?”

*Sniff* She was so young!

“Spoiler alert,” you said, because I have learned that there are at least TWO PEOPLE IN MY LIFE WHO HAVE NEVER SEEN TWIN PEAKS AND I DON’T KNOW IF I CAN CONTINUE TO BE FRIENDS WITH YOU GUYS!

We wondered: “How good is the pie?”

“Very good,” you said.

We wondered: “Who the hell is Diane?”

“No answer,” you said.

And it was awesome.

But anyway, back to the sacrifices I am willing to make, “Coop,” in order to live with you in wedded bliss.

Let me tell you about something I hate, “Coop.” That thing I hate? It’s the taste and smell of coffee. (Is that technically two things, “Coop”? Because if it is, it springs from one thing, which is “coffee,” so I suppose I could just say, “I hate coffee.”) But you love coffee. My god! Can these two star-crossed kids make it?!

Yes, “Coop.” Yes, we can. Because for you, “Coop,” I will endure the scent of coffee. I will brew it for you every morning. EVERY MORNING. Hell, I will grind your beans if I can — well … grind your beans, wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

See? You're laughing. I knew you got it.

I am also willing to view my dreams as some sort of manifestation of my problem-solving process, and assume that every night, when I dream about fighting ninja alongside Wolverine or dancing with Simon Pegg or having superpowers that, no, it is not the product of too much pop culture consumerism, but is actually a key to freeing you from that alternate dimension. (Ooooh, also, I had this dream recently that I teamed up with Batman and you to solve Laura Palmer’s murder, and I totally had these awesome superpowers, and there was champagne. I never wanted to wake up, “Coop”!)

On a related note, are you into role-playing, "Coop"?

And then, together with the dancing turkey from that crazy Peter Gabriel video, I will bust through to the alternate dimension and take your ass back home with me.

See, before, I always thought when I dreamed about the dancing turkey that I was having a nightmare, but I see now that it was a key! A key to reaching you!

(I’m pretty sure this will work, “Coop.”)

(I mean, relatively sure.)

Anyway, get back to me! I’ll assume if, tonight, I dream about the cast of M*A*S*H (TV or movie version), you’ve said yes!



  1. Bob said,

    You’re a moron. Plain and simple. Do this planet a favor and throw yourself off of a very tall building.

    • lokifire said,

      Only if I can land on you and rid the world of us both, Bob, you unflushable turd.

  2. aLETHIO said,

    hahahahaha thanks for the laughs!

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