On occasion, I get a little slap-happy

April 29, 2010 at 5:38 pm (Top Ten) (, )

So, in honor of those occasions, here’s the first of three Top Ten lists I hope to write (if I don’t get lazy and give up) in regards to celebrities and slapping.

This list is a Top Ten list of celebrities whose faces make me want to slap them, regardless of talent or beauty. There’s just something about their faces that makes me think: “This celebrity needs to be slapped like a $5 hooker.”

List ho!

1. Tom Cruise. It doesn’t help that he packs a whole lotta crazy into that teeny-tiny frame, but it’s his maniacal face that just gets my slappin’ hand itchin’ to get to work.

I know this is my go-to picture for Tom Cruise, but it just perfectly encapsulates everything slappable about him.

2. Julia Roberts. I’ve said it before and I’m sure I’ll say it again (I have a problem with short-term memory), but whenever Ms. Roberts smiles, I just want to smack her teeth right out of her skull. Pow! Right in the kisser.

It's an illness! I'm sorry, Julia!

3. Taylor Swift. I only recently learned what Taylor Something’s last name is. Doesn’t make me want to smack her upside the head any less.

She always has pretty clothes, though.

4. Robert Pattinson. Partly it’s the hair. Mostly it’s the hair. Gods, learn how to do your hair.

And stop being so godsdamned SMUG about it. Your god-given beauty will only take you so far! Learn what a comb is, DAMN YOU.

5. Megan Fox. She’s really beautiful and all, but I think that’s part of the problem.

That and her wretched personality.

6. Donald Trump. Who doesn’t want to slap The Donald, you know?

Mostly it's because I want to see exactly how much force is required to knock that rug clean off.

7. Milo Ventimiglia. I’m not sure if I’m confusing Milo Ventimiglia’s mug with the (lame-ass) character he portrays on television (you suck, Peter Petrelli!), but I want to slap that boy until he cries.

Also, it's the damn emo hair.

8. Olivia Wilde. Another beautiful actress who can’t emote worth a damn. I want to smack her just because she gets to spend way more time with (*sighhhh*) Hugh Laurie than she deserves.

Like, maybe, if you slapped her, she might make another expression, which I think would be interesting.

9. Robin Williams. He’s just gotten so damn smarmy lately.

I mean, he's always been smarmy, but I think it's gotten worse as he's aged.

10. Tom Hanks. “Why’s she picking on Tom Hanks?” you wonder. “What did Tom Hanks ever do to her?” you wonder. “He seems like a decent guy, and he’s not a bad actor,” you say in his defense. And I get all that, I do. (Or those two things, whatever.) But I JUST WANT TO SLAP HIM. I don’t know why, but I do.

The desire has been there ever since Big.



  1. popopopopo said,

    Good job! You deserve a good slap on your face, too. With a plank of wood. Decorated with barbed wires.

    • lokifire said,

      Holy shit! You insulted me with proper punctuation and spelling? I think I love you a bit. But also, I want to slap you a bit. With a dead porpoise. And it’s wearing an electric eel.

  2. marilyn said,

    i dont now wht i think of this all samethins look funny and the rest is not

    • lokifire said,

      I’m sorry, what language is that?

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