Celebrities who DESERVE to be slapped

April 30, 2010 at 3:13 pm (Top Ten) ()

Some of these people are only famous for being famous. When I become famous, I want it to be the old-fashioned way: by being talented or by killing a whole bunch o’ folks.

At any rate, just knowing these people exist makes me want to seek them out and slap them until their faces bleed. From the eyeballs.

You people make me sick.

1. Spencer Pratt. I hate living in a world where this useless git is famous. I mean, what does he even do? Why have I even heard of him? WHY DOES HE WANT TO BE THE KING OF AMERICA?

I hate that "television personality" is a thing. God.

2. Speaking of Spencer Pratt, Heidi Montag. She has the same huh? what? celebrity going as her husband or boyfriend or brother or second cousin by marriage, whatever the hell he is, except hers is infinitely more sad. This is more of a “Come to your senses, bitch!” slap. Although I’m a little worried my hand would stick to her face if the day was hot enough.

Or that her face will fall off if I hit her too hard, STOP WITH THE PLASTIC SURGERY, Jesus!

3. “Snooki.” Mostly because her name is Snooki, but also because of the “famous for no reason” thing.

Her wikipedia entry says she's studying to be a veterinarian's assistant or something, but I have a hard time believing that. Also, who wears brown boots with a black ensemble? It's just too much.

4. The Situation. Who nicknames themselves “The Situation”? Wank-holes, that’s who. (Yes, I’m aware that wank-holes aren’t actually a thing, but it seemed the only proper way to describe someone who godsdamned well nicknames themselves “The Situation.”)

And has also nicknamed his abs "The Situation." Jesus jumping on a pogo stick, where do these people come from?

5. Jon Gosselin. Why are people who can’t figure out birth control famous? And why did some moron write in to a gossip mag asking if this person was the same as an actual actor with talent on a television show that requires talent? I want to slap that idiot as much as I want to slap this guy. Frak.

Plus, he looks like an ass when he smokes while talking on the phone.

6. Kate Gosselin. Why are people who can’t figure out birth control famous? Part II. Some people think she’s the lesser of two evils, which, sure, maybe she is, but she’s still a craptacular waste of human being.

And why did everyone want to imitate that hairdo? What is wrong with America?

7. Lindsay Lohan. Partly because she sucks, but mostly because she’s suing e-trade for using her name in their commercials. Because everybody knows the only person named Lindsay in the whole world is this twit. Christ.

I am looking forward to her continued descent into obscurity.

8. John Mayer. Nice, guy. Not only do you write that ear-bleedingly craptastic music, you’re also a womanizing racist. It’s like you have a list that you’re checking off of “Ways to be an asshole,” and you haven’t quite made it to kicking puppies and abusing children yet.

Oooh, oooh, and the next time I'm on the subway, I have to remember not to let the pregnant lady have my seat!

9. Tiger Woods. Because I don’t care how famous a golfer is, there is no golfer who should be famous enough to cheat on his hot model wife. He’s a damned golfer! GOLF! ER!

It's. GOLF. What the hell is wrong with you sluts?

10. Lady Gaga. For not being a drag queen with that name. I mean, the only ladies who go by “Lady” nowadays are either British royalty or not ladies at all. Also, for the clothing and music.

Also for murdering so many of Kermit the Frog's offspring for that poncho. You horrible, horrible, wretched, bad creature.

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4 Comments

  1. RubyRoses said,

    does the one on her head have x-d out eyes? jesus…

    • lokifire said,

      Omigod, I think it does. That makes me hate her even more.
      Baby Kermit killer!

  2. ceci300 said,

    how comes Keanu Reeves isn’t on this I mean we’re talking about the a-hole who decided that he could pull off being Spike Spiegel. (Which btw he cannot i mean unless Spike is going to be dead for however long the movie is going to be….)

    • lokifire said,

      Well, I can’t really blame him for his lack of talent. I feel like he tries hard even if DON’T RUIN SPIEGEL DAMMIT.

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