We now interrupt my slap-fest …

May 3, 2010 at 2:51 pm (Top Ten) (Chow Yun Fat, Jackie Chan, Jet Li, Keanu Reeves is a wooden actor, Kenichi Matsuyama, Last Night, Michelle Yeoh, Pat Morita, Sandra Oh, Takeshi Kaneshiro, Ziyi Zhang)

To bring you this breaking Top Ten list.

Why?

Because somebody read one of my “Keanu Reeves sucks” posts and said this:

“Keanu is part Chinese, and Asians are generally known for their unexpressiveness when compared to their Caucasian counterparts. Keanu has a lot of fans in Asia, and here there are far fewer jibes at his lack of expression than I see in Western magazines and websites.”

Because apparently, Asian people’s faces are genetically programmed to be less expressive than their “Caucasian counterparts.” I mean, that’s what this person is saying, right? Because if they mean it’s a cultural thing, then KEANU REEVES STILL HAS NO EXCUSE BECAUSE HE IS FROM AMERICA.

Here’s a list of actors that proves this theory is a pile of steaming poo. (Much like Keanu’s attempts to act, Christ!)

1. Takeshi Kaneshiro. Takeshi Kaneshiro is the anti-Keanu. He’s just as good-looking, but he’s not a boring plank of wood. Also, he can speak, like, two dozen languages, and Keanu has trouble with one.

And like he would even need to bother, I mean, he's made of rainbows and sunshine and all the other miracles of God's creation.

2. Jet Li. Jet Li has it all: mad kung fu skillz, good looks and the ability to out-act most actors in Hollywood.

And a gaze of STEEL.

3. Ziyi Zhang. Is also gorgeous, slick with the kung fu and dancing, and ooooh, she can act in English and Chinese.

AND kick your ass.

4. Jackie Chan. I love Jackie Chan so much! (Not the way his career is going as he reaches his golden years. You deserve so much better, Jackie!) Despite being inspired by “The Great Stone Face,” Buster Keaton, Jackie Chan is anything but unexpressive.

He is one of the best physical comedians EVER, and I love him for it.

5. Kenichi Matsuyama. Kenichi is a very pretty man who happens to be able to act.

Don't you just want to feed this boy?

6. Michelle Yeoh. Yes, I watch a lot of movies where people are ass-kicking action heroes. Michelle Yeoh is one of the ass-kickingest of all. She’s beautiful and ACTS.

At least, when you're skewered, you can be grateful you were killed by someone this beautiful.

7. Chow Yun Fat. This is a guy I always think of as being able to whip out the complete works of The Bard on command. He’s just so classy! And talented.

I mean, look at him! CLASSY.

8. Tatsuya Fujiwara. My misgivings about the shape of his head aside, this guy did a great job portraying Light Yagami in the Death Note movies.

I don't get why he's such a heart-throb in Japan, but whatever.

9. Sandra Oh. I have the opportunity to mention Last Night a second time on this blog! What a great film! What a great performance! It’s such a shame that Sandra Oh needs a steady paycheck, or perhaps she wouldn’t be stuck on Grey’s Anatomy.

I understand, Sandra. We all need to eat.

10. Pat “Mr. Miyagi” Morita. We can’t omit the greatest. From Karate Kid to M*A*S*H, Morita bought a sensitivity to each role that Keanu Reeves could never, ever, EVER in his wildest dreams attempt to emulate.

Pat Morita is a god among men. I say that with the utmost sincerity.