Back to the slap-happiness!

May 4, 2010 at 11:31 am (Top Ten) (, , , , )

So there’s celebrities I want to slap for no apparent reason other than their faces annoy me. (I’m really sorry, Tom Hanks. I know you don’t deserve it!)

There’s celebrities who deserve a good slap for being the spectacular oxygen-sucks of nastiness that they are. (I am air-slapping in your general direction, reality television “stars!)

Then there’s celebrities that really surprise me because I think they would be going around slapping people all the time and they don’t.

Here’s 10 of them.

1. Christian Bale. After his on-set verbal explosion and the way he (allegedly) beat up his mother and sister, I was really expecting him to go on a slapping tour of America. And then he didn’t. That was really surprising.

I mean look at that face! Deep down, you know he wants to slap you.

2. Nicole Ritchie. She just seems like a slapper, you know? But I think she actually uses her fist. Odd, that.

Seems like a hair puller too.

3. Tyra Banks. It just seems like more episodes of America’s Next Top Model should end with Tyra slapping all hope of modeling out of some of these girls, but she never does. If it wasn’t for giant pendulums, that would really disappoint me.

Bitches, I'll show you fierce!

4. Richard Belzer. Not that he strikes me as the diva type, but it just seems like a Munch-ish mannerism, you know? “Don’t lie to me like I’m Montel Williams!” *slap!*

Maybe a good pistol whip is forthcoming, I don't know.

5. Kristen Bell. She must have some great bodyguards, because otherwise I would expect her hand to get sore, all the slapping of geek stalkers she should be doing.

I mean, some GREAT bodyguards. She's just asking for trouble.

6. “Sylar.” I don’t remember the actor’s name and I can’t be arsed to look it up, but it seems like someone who’s been trapped on Heroes this long and could do better would really be slapping more people by now.

For Christ's sake, Milo! Sod off! I mean it!

7. William Shatner. I expect the slapping almost as a tic from him. “Hey, Bob, how’s it going?” *slap!* “Oww, William, why’d you just slap me?” “I didn’t slap you!” *slap!*

How many ears does Captain Kirk have? Three! The left ear, the right ear and the final frontier!

8. Jillian Michaels. Yeah, she’s a little butch to be slapping, so I know you’re thinking, but wouldn’t she be punching people? Except I think she knows a slap is much more demeaning, so she would do it. Constantly.

I love her, but she is kind of scary.

9. Octomom. She’d get the multi-slap in, you know? “Line up, all you eight kids!” “But mom!” “Line up!” *Slap-slap-slap-etc.*!

Hopefully, this blog won't sink any lower than using a photo of Octomom. I'm sorry, everyone.

10. Amanda Seyfried. I think if she did more slapping, she’d get stuck with less crummy scripts.

Start with whoever keeps accepting those rom-com scripts, Amanda! Just: bam! Right in the kisser!

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