The worst advice ever for when you’re lost

May 5, 2010 at 2:10 pm (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) ()

Last night, I had trouble sleeping.

Why was that, you wonder?

Well, it’s because, for absolutely no reason at all (except that weird nightmare I had about a monster that me and my friends killed once but was back again to commit evil acts), I could not stop thinking: who gave Beverly Marsh the great advice on how to find your way when you’re lost?

Remember that scene in It (the Stephen King novel that I haven’t thought about since college)? When the kids have just defeated It (so they believe), but then they’re lost in the sewers? And so Beverly is like, “I have an idea! You guys all have sex with me!”

Like, who thinks that will actually help? I know her dad was abusive, but you still think he’d have passed on the traditional wisdom: “Stay in one place and wait for help” instead of “have sex with everyone around you.”

And yeah, I get that it was supposed to, like, help the kids renew their bond or whatever, and that made them strong and able to find the way home, but golly, wouldn’t some strenuous high-fiving have done the job? Maybe some, “All right, buddy”s and hugs? And if having sex was supposed to strengthen the bond between all of them, shouldn’t some of the boys have had sex with each other?

Anyway, all I’m saying, folks, is when you’re telling your children what to do when they’re lost, omit the group sex, all right?

In related news, thank you SO MUCH, Mr. King, for making clowns even more scary for me. Thanks. Really.

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