Robocop vs. Iron Man

May 10, 2010 at 1:54 pm (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , )

Iron Man 2 opened this weekend! (I didn’t see it.) But in honor of it doing well at the box office (OK, I’m totally just assuming it did, because research is hard when you’re excessively lazy), I thought I would present a fictional! Character! Battle! featuring Iron Man himself.

Shall we see now what Robocop and Iron Man have in common?

Robocop! Robocop! Does whatever a robo ... crap.

I'm sure the glove does something cool, but I really can't remember what.

(Ehhh, it’s not that much, really, but this seemed like such a good idea at 3 a.m., so I’m going with it.)

On to the action! Or text. Actually, it’s text. Sorry.

Physicality. This category is getting to be the bane of my existence. Sure, I like to rate people based on their looks. Who doesn’t, you know? But it’s getting harder and harder to rate these fictional characters. Except when one is portrayed by Robert Downey Jr. in the movies, who is quite the looker. I can’t even remember the name of the actor who played Robocop, which I would have done were he hot, so clearly, this one is a gimme. Winner? Iron Man.

But if I have an excuse to put a photo of an attractive man on this blog, then, goddammit, I will do it.

Features metal prominently in his uniform? As the “iron” in Iron Man implies, there’s a lot of metal in the uniform. In fact, it’s not really a uniform so much as a magical (or technologically advanced, whichever) suit that can fly and shoot rockets and whatever. Like a miniature jet plane. On the other hand, Robocop, as his name implies, is part robot and part cop. And robots are totally made of metal, unlike their skin-coated android counterparts. However, Robocop still has those delicate human bits sticking out here and there, like elbows or something, I don’t know, so I think there’s less metal in his makeup than in Iron Man’s. Who is, thus, the winner.

Is more attractive to women? This seems like another gimme for Iron Man, as looks are a very important feature of attractiveness. But there’s other things women look for in their men too, like, does that uniform come off? Because robots aren’t very cuddly. Also, Tony Stark is a billionaire, which more than quintuples whatever else he has going for him. It, like, thousanduples it. Billionaires are hot. So I guess this category was a gimme for Iron Man. Winner? Iron Man.

Is featured in a love story to last through the ages? Both Iron Man and Robocop have been featured in their share of dirty, dirty, dirty fan fiction, because that’s what they get for being introduced to the public. However, only Robocop has enjoyed sexy fun times with one of the greatest detectives of our — or any — generation. The goddammned Batman. Also, this was supposed to be a love story. In any case, any story that makes me snort things out of my nose is a win to me. Winner? Robocop.

Is actually a zombie and a robot? Those two things are so cool. I mean, what’s cooler than zombies? Cyborg zombies, that’s what. Goddamn, that’s awesome. Winner? Robo “zombie” cop.

I love that in the world of Robocop, the best crime-fighting option is taking a dead cop and making him into a cyborg. I mean, that's what the good guys do! So. Awesome.

Is more effective at enforcing the peace? I’m pretty sure Robocop has killed more people than he’s saved. Like airbags! Which is great, if that’s what you’re going for, but I think most of us would prefer not to be shot in the face by a zombie robot cop. (Although if you have to be shot in the face by somebody, a zombie robot cop should be at the top of everyone’s list.) On the other hand, Iron Man even joined the Avengers, who are totally for truth, justice and the American Way. At least, I think they’re all American. (I could be mixing them up with the Defenders or something, I don’t know.) Whatever. Winner? Iron Man.

Wait ... I don't remember Wolverine being in the Avengers. I call foul! He's CANADIAN!

Has cooler villains? According to Wikipedia, Iron Man has “a large range of villains.” In fact, they go so far as to list them alphabetically. There’s no entry for “x” or “q,” though, which is kind of disappointing. Robocop, however, must face enemies like Red from That 70s Show and a robot that can’t manage stairs. Eh, let’s call this one a tie.

I mean, look at this thing! A strong breeze could take it out. On the other hand, it's not an affront to God, like Robocop is.

Because I really can’t think of anything else here, overall winner? Iron Man comes out on top!

(Also, everyone who read that truly horrifically awesome fanfic. We’re all winners!)



  1. greg said,

    Actually, Wolverine has been a member of the Avengers (on and off) for the past few years. And I don’t think Thor, Quicksilver, or Scarlet Witch are American citizens (or even have green cards–they’re illegal! maybe, I don’t know).

    But yeah, I’d go with Iron Man. Being filthy rich and able to take your robot suit off are huge pluses.

    • lokifire said,

      Yeah, but they’re not in that picture I found, so I gave them a pass.
      I can never remember who’s in the damn Avengers anyway, I swear.

      • greg said,

        There are like four or five teams, and their rosters change every year. And they’re going to change again soon, so who the hell knows anymore.

  2. RubyRoses said,

    Anytime ComicsNix gets a mention anywhere I’m beyond pleased…god it’s just such a lovely story. I hope they meet again and bang on AIDS covered shit..

    • lokifire said,

      Yes, truly this was one of the great love stories of our time.

      • RubyRoses said,

        Comics Nix, a treasure of the very world.

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