I have a zombie apocalypse survival plan. You have a zombie apocalypse survival plan. Every rational, right-thinking (that’s actually pretty much the same thing as rational), slightly paranoid human being has a zombie apocalypse survival plan.
Because we know the zombie apocalypse is coming.
Of course, in the end it won’t do us any good. In the end, the zombies will kill us all. (Robert Kirkman be damned!)
Here’s the top 10 ways how.
1. Through sheer numbers. So you’re holed up in the local grocery store, right, which is pretty smart, because there’s food there, and magazines. There’s the toy aisle and, depending on what state you’re from, you’ve got all sorts of ammo and possibly fireworks. Awesome. You’ve blocked the doors with carts or perhaps refrigerators or possibly even the bodies of the fallen. You are in it for the long haul.
Except … there are more zombies than humans, you know? And they are just going to keep throwing themselves at the door/windows/walls/roof. While you’re thinking, how am I going to survive this?, they are thinking about your delicious tender bits. In the end, the zombies will come crashing through the door/windows/walls/roof, and eat the hell out of you and your friends. I’m sorry, but they will.
2. Stealthily. But, Lokifire, zombies aren’t stealthy, you say. They’re shambling living corpses that sometimes moan “brains” and other times just moan! There’s nothing stealthy about that! And to you, I say: Stop talking to your computer.
Zombies aren’t known for their stealth, sure. But you know who is?
People who have been bitten by zombies.
In your little group of survivors, you’ve got that guy. The one who’s going to get bitten while you fight off the zombies and try to hide it. “You get bit, Tom?” “Uhhhh, no, Bob.” “That’s great news, Tom.” “BRAINS!”
Then you’re all frakked.
3. Early onset zombie attacks. At first, no matter how prepared you are, you’re going to think: this can’t be the zombie apocalypse. I have to go to work tomorrow. And that’s when the zombies will strike. When you’re still thinking everybody got a weird case of the flu and they’ll be better tomorrow or maybe the next day, and you haven’t even gotten out your cricket bat or barricaded the doors.
That’s when they’ll come.
And God help you then.
4. Using your compassion against you. OK, so nobody’s got compassion for zombies, which is what makes them Hollywood’s new Nazi. (Also, is anything awesomer than Nazi zombies? Except cyborg zombies? I think not. Well, maybe ninja zombies.) But you know who people have compassion for? Innocent l’il chilluns and attractive people.
(I’m sorry, but when it comes to the zombie apocalypse, you know our DNA will only want the beautiful to survive.)
So here’s the scenario: The zombies have attacked. You flee. Or fight a bit, and then flee. Or fight a lot, and then flee. At any rate, you will, at some point, flee the zombie hoardes. At your side are the spunky (that word means what I think it means, right?) youngster and the hot piece of action that you’re planning to nail once the zombie threat has passed. Suddenly, one of them trips.
“Go on without me!” they cry, if they are the self-sacrificing sort. If they’re young enough, they just cry, because boo-boos hurt.
But no matter what they say, you know you’re going back for them. Unless you’re an evil sociopathic bastard, in which case, your chances of survival are better than most (the zombies will still get you, though, somehow). When you do, the shambling zombies will fall upon the both of you. Your sacrifice will be for naught.
5. Starvation. All right, so you’re holed up in your awesome bomb/zombie shelter, which is stockpiled with food, weapons, clothing and your BFF. Thank god you thought to put him down there before the zombies attacked. You sit down with him, prepared to do some apocalpytic gaming until the end of humanity.
Eventually, however … you run out of food. (Even after eating your best friend.)
You know you need to leave the safety of your shelter to get supplies, but — hey, is that a zombie I hear? — you stay inside.
Eventually, you are going to starve to death or try to make a break for it, and I don’t care how many shotguns you have on you, in your weakened state, you are going down like a harmless widdle bunny rabbit.
6. Speaking of weakened states …
Remember that attractive person in your zombie survival team I mentioned earlier? Provided they’re not clumsy, the two of you have made it to (relative) safety. Perhaps an abandoned house, perhaps a tent in the woods. You’re alone. You gaze at each other. You gaze, gaze, gaze.
Then, thanks to all the adrenaline, you two begin going at it like horny widdle rabbits. It’s the best sex you’ve had ever, which is great news, because it’s also the last sex you’ll have ever, because the zombies heard you, and they’re coming, and get your clothes on and run dammit! Or run naked! Just RUN!
7. They will use your loneliness against you. So when the zombies attacked, you left your family behind. See you in hell, Granny! you cried, as the zombies mowed her down. You skeedaddled like you have never skeedaddled before. You took shelter. You hunkered down. You survived, dammit. You survived.
By the way, everyone you know and love is dead. Also, a lot of people you didn’t know and love. Hell, most everyone is zombies. Except you. You’re not a zombie. You’re just some guy playing solitaire for the one thousandth time, which sucks, because the computers went down with the zombie apocalypse and you can’t remember how many stacks of cards there are supposed to be.
In the end, it’s suicide by zombie for you. Well, or actual suicide, I guess, unless this is the kind of zombie apocalypse that turns dead people into zombies, whether they got bitten or not, which means you’re exceptionally screwed.
8. Friendly fire.
“Are you a zombie?”
“I’m not a –”
“‘Cause you look like a zombie.”
“I’m not. I just haven’t bathed since the zombie apo–”
“You sure you’re not a zombie?”
“I’m sure I’m not a –”
“Yeah, I’m not so sure.”
9. Your own hubris. Congratulations! You’ve survived the zombie apocalypse! You should celebrate! Perhaps by doing something noisy. Or awesome. Or noisy and awesome. You should climb Mount Rushmore and pretend you’re a booger in Washington’s nose. Oh my god, the things you can do now that it’s the end of the world!
Oh, shit, that’s right, you think, as you’ve skydived off the top of the Eiffel Tower into the waiting arms of the zombies below. The zombies.
10. Patience. Look, all the zombies have to do is outwait you. You, in your human way, will age and die. Or trip over something and die. Or starve to death and … die. Or get cancer and die. Or an infected hangnail. It doesn’t matter. Unless you have managed to lay waste to every single zombie in the whole world, they will win.
They always win.