Hey, Queen Latifah! I just gotta know: Why you starring in a movie with a guy who goes by “Common”?
I mean, lady, you are royalty. You are Queen Latifah.
So why, in Just Wright, are you playing opposite “Common“? That’s just short for “commoner.” You know it. We know it. He knows it. (OK, it’s probably not, but since I only just heard of him for the first time about five minutes ago, we’re just going to assume that’s the case.)
You deserve a king! An emperor even!
(By the way, this is one of my favorite Onion headlines ever.)
Oh, wait, Queen Latifah? I got another question for you.
Why you let this reporter describe your arms as “hefty”? Shouldn’t someone be putting a hurtin’ on her right about now? (Or him? Jamie’s one of those names that could go either way.) Tell you what, Queen Latifah, I will find this Jamie person, man or woman, and I will put a hurtin’ on them. “Hefty arms.” What’s up with that shit, you know? I mean, who calls anybody’s arms “hefty” and gets away with it? Especially when the person whose arms they are describing as such is you, Queen Latifah.
Anyway, I won’t be seeing Just Wright, but I still love you, Queen Latifah.