A love letter to Kurt Wagner

May 17, 2010 at 5:51 pm (I Propose to Fictional Characters) (, , )

Dear Kurt Wagner,

I think I love you.

Embarrassing revelation time: I actually read this title. For you, Kurt. For you.

Of all the X-Men, you annoy me the least. (When a good writer is doing the writing; otherwise, all bets are off.)

Except for the Hugh Jackman Wolverine, because I have never seen arms like that anywhere, ever.

There’s just something kind of sexy about a blue-furred German with a prehensile tail who can teleport. Personally, I think it’s the whole “superpowers” thing, which, in my opinion, gives a lot of so-so guys an edge.

(Like your pal Cyclops? Like he could get chicks with his tortured loner bit if he couldn’t also vaporize you with his eyes.)

Although I suppose his stunning good looks help a bit.

Plus, the teleportation. I mean, what’s not to love about a demon-esque guy who teleports, leaving behind a puff of sulphuric smoke? Actually, what’s not to love is that whole thing I just said. Really, Kurt, we’ll have to work on the puff of sulphuric smoke thing if we want this relationship to work. Have you considered public transportation?

Bamf indeed, Kurt. Bamf indeed.

But don’t worry. I’m hardly a complainer. I mean, you know, now that I have this blog as an outlet for my complaining and …

Fine. I will totally complain about the sulphur smell if you teleport into my kitchen while I’m making dinner, Kurt, and I’m not going to lie. (Anymore.) I mean, if you must teleport to my house, perhaps teleporting to the front step and ringing the doorbell like a non-mutant, non-teleporting, non-prehensile-tailed sort of person is the way to go. I promise my neighbors hardly ever shoot at anything resembling human. (Which you do, kind of, so you should be OK.)

Another thing I like about you is your sense of humor, which I found referred to repeatedly on your fan sites, but haven’t really seen evidence of myself. Perhaps I’m just reading the wrong titles, I don’t know. But I like a man with a sense of humor, because then he will laugh when I say hilarious things, which not everybody does. (It’s their fault, not mine.)

Oh, another thing we need to work on? Your codename. I mean, “Nightcrawler”? Really? You couldn’t pick something, I don’t know, more badass and less worm? Of course, if you insist on keeping the “Night” in your name, we could run into some trouble, because all the good “Nights” have been taken. Night Stalker. Nightwing. Dark (K)night.

Although if you step back and think about it logically, what's so scary about wings? Even at night?

Anyway, do some brainstorming on that, Kurt, and get back to me.

Kisses!

A manicure couldn't hurt either, Kurt. Just sayin'.

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4 Comments

  1. xuehualun said,

    I find your mockery of the recently deceased disturbing.

    But not really as the character is fictional.

    Still, everyone X-character has their issues…that’s why they’re interesting. Gambit throws playing cards…imagine if he had sacks of pennies and he threw those at people? It’d be a lot cheaper…and even if you didn’t charge them, they’d still hurt if you got pegged with one. Tho he’d sacrifice his mobility a bit…

    Wolverine’s got some claws but when does he REALLY get to use them? He uses them on doors, robots, buildings…but never on people (unless you read Old Man Logan – which was great btw). Jeez Wolverine, you wanna actually beat someone? Don’t cut the pillar the guy is standing beside so that the ceiling falls on him…just stab him. This comment is turning into it’s own /rant… I should stop.

    • lokifire said,

      What? My future husband is dead???
      This is what happens when I can’t afford comic books anymore.
      And thank you. I am now totally imagining Gambit throwing pennies at people and all the jingling that would ensue.

      • RubyRoses said,

        but man think about all the terrifying moments dark alley, the sound of change jiggling in a pocket. god those moments write themselves..

  2. lokifire said,

    I say we approach Marvel with our take on Gambit, guys. Deal?

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