Dear God, please punish the franchises

May 19, 2010 at 11:04 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, )

Dear God,

Do you know why there is a fourth Shrek movie? Because I don’t know why there was a third. (Or a second, for that matter.)

Oh, and of course it's 3-D, because that will certainly bring a freshness to an exhausted franchise!

Is it because Mike Myers and Eddie Murphy can’t get other work? If it is that, I think they should invest their earnings (wisely, and not like that one Baldwin or whoever), and live off the interest. Or fake their own deaths and live off the insurance.

Take a lesson from Krusty the Clown, guys. This could work!

Because Enough Is Enough. (That’s should be this one’s tagline. That or: Shrek till you’re sick of us!)

I get that people want to make easy money. I get it. I do. (Speaking of which, I have this great sales plan that you guys could get in on. Just wire me $20, and watch your money grow! This isn’t a pyramid scheme! It’s more of a straight-line scheme! Don’t ask; just send cash.) But a fourth Shrek movie? That’s going beyond a few quick bucks and into actively abusing your audience.

(Besides, there’s only one piece of media currently out there that’s not abusing fairy and folk tales, and that’s Bill Willingham’s Fables. OK, he’s abusing them, but in a good way.)

And have you SEEN the covers of these things? They're GORGEOUS!

I mean, how many films can you make about an ogre who finds love? I mean, obviously four, but I mean how many good films? One? One-half?

It’s Time For This To End. (That could also be Shrek 4’s tagline. That or: Shrek! It rhymes with dreck!)

Because we know that "The Final Chapter" jive is just bullshit.

So lend me a hand, God, and visit your terrible wrath upon the franchises that shouldn’t be. (Yes, I’m including Transformers in this list.)

In Your name I pray.

Amen.

Huh. Apparently there's a Magic card called "Wrath of God." Who knew?

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1 Comment

  1. dangerousmeredith said,

    I didn’t mind the first or even second Shreks but I wont be lining up to see the 4th. I think of the money that was spent on this movie, and then I think of all of the broke filmmakers who can’t get funding to make a movie containing their original ideas that we haven’t seen before

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