So you think you’re dating a zombie: a modern teen’s guide

May 24, 2010 at 2:47 pm (Top Ten) ()

Due to the overwhelming success of a similarly-themed post (read as: vampire-loving teenagers hate me), I have decided to revisit the topic for those of you who aren’t certain whether you’re dating a human or some sort of movie monster. The Zombie Edition.

Are you dating a zombie? Here’s a list to help you find out.

1. He says he loves me for my brains.

Perhaps you should consider the purchase of this fitting tee.

Well, lots of guys say that. Sometimes it’s because they want in your pants, occasionally, it’s because they’re sincere.

But he says it like “Braaaaains.”

Does he have some sort of drawl?

No.

A speech impediment?

He drools while he says it.

Is it hunger drool or is it speech impediment drool?

I … I don’t know.

Let’s move on then.

2. When he and his friends get together, they don’t really do anything except grunt.

You just described most teenage boys.

Grunt and claw at the back door.

Doorknobs are hard.

You just described most teenage boys again.

They’re all grunting and moaning “Braaaains.”

OK, that is a little odd. But not necessarily damning.

What? Really?

Really.

3. Well, he’s always losing pieces of himself.

Like, actual pieces?

I have a finger here if you want to see it.

That’s all right.

He left it on my couch.

These things happen. Have you heard of a little-known disease known as Hansen’s disease?

You mean leprosy?

Hansen’s disease sounds classier.

Hasn’t it been pretty much eradicated in most civilized nations?

Yes. Yes, it has. And that could be why your boyfriend is embarrassed to tell you that he suffers from the affliction.

I guess.

Next?

4. He bit me the other day.

Look, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, but some people find that sort of behavior erotic.

He took some of my flesh when he did it.

Oh. Well, that’s just– Hmmmm.

5. Oh, and he bit my parents too. Mom first, and then my dad.

When was this?

A couple of days ago.

Have you noticed any change in them?

Eh, I haven’t really paid that much attention.

All right, then. Anything else?

6. He’s been listening to Thriller a lot.

Well, it’s no Smooth Criminal, but still a good song.

He knows all the moves in the dance sequence.

Don’t we all?

And if we don't, we should learn.

7. My dog won’t stop growling when he comes over.

My dog hates my boyfriends too.

So he bit her.

That is weird.

God rest your zombified, undead soul, you were a brave dog, Froo-froo.

8. Say, I, uh, I think I noticed a change in my parents.

What’s that?

Well, they’re both just … shambling around the house and running into things.

They’re not closet drinkers, are they?

No.

Well, you wouldn’t know, if they kept it in the closet, would you?

I guess not.

So they could just be drunk.

They could be.

Of course they could.

9. Except I think my mom is chewing on my neighbor’s arm.

Ewww.

It’s still attached to him.

Ewwwwwwwwwww.

The screaming is horrible.

I can’t even begin to imagine.

10. Oh, I forgot to mention: Unless you strike my boyfriend right in the brains, he doesn’t die.

What? How could you forget that?

It just slipped my mind.

I mean, seriously? The A-Number 1 way to tell if your boyfriend is a walking undead, and it slips your mind?

I’m sorry!

Besides, why would you be trying to hit your boyfriend with a killshot unless he was a zombie?

Because we’re rednecks?

Save the sarcasm for the non-bolded text, you.

Sorry.

Anyway, yes. It’s official. You are dating a zombie.

So, should I flee?

Flee? Oh, heavens no. You’ve been bitten, remember?

… Maybe that was before he became a zombie.

Well, never fear. I’ll be right down there with an antidote.

Really?

Yeah. It’s called a double-barreled shotgun.

The cure for what ails you.

Wait. What?

Nothing. Just wait by the door. I’ll see you soon!

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1 Comment

  1. So you think you’re dating a ghost: A modern teen’s guide « Hollywood Hates Me said,

    […] but he is dead, then you’re not dating a ghost. That guy’s probably a vampire or a zombie, and we’ve been over that before. I mean, sure, I guess I could beat a dead horse, but only […]

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