As much as I hate having two fictional character battles in a row, I have to do this. You see, last night, as I was drifting off to sleep, a tiny voice in my head said: “Homer Simpson vs. The Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man,” and then I was bathed in a radiant light and there was an angelic chorus going “AHHHHHHHHH,” because this is my best idea EVER.
Which is kind of sad, when you think about it.
Moving on, Homer Simpson is the star of Fox’s television show The Simpsons, which is still on the air after 20 years or so, and will probably outlive us all. The Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man is the physical embodiment of the ancient Sumerian god Gozer, come to destroy humanity. In the movie Ghostbusters, that is. As far as I’m aware, when Gozer comes for us, it won’t be in the form of a smiling marshmallow man, but what do I know? (That it will be the most delicious death of all!)
On to the battle!
Physicality. Homer Simpson is a bald, fat, yellow, four-fingered middle-aged man. He must have something going for him, though, because he’s somehow still married to the much more attractive Marge. The Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man is 100 feet of pure marshmallow awesome destructivity. He wears a cute little sailor’s cap. Winner? The guy made of marshmallows, natch.
Wreaks more destruction? Sumerian god Gozer has been summoned to destroy the world, and assumes the form of the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man. (Thanks a lot, Ray.) Coincidentally, the word “destroy” is the verb form of the noun “destruction.” (I know, you’d think it would be destruct, but I’m pretty sure that’s not a verb.) Until he is stopped by the Ghostbusters, the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man wreaks havoc on New York City. In fact, even after his defeat, he manages to cover the city in a delicious layer of marshmallow-y evil. That’s a lot of destruction. But have you seen an episode of The Simpsons? Homer’s always wrecking stuff: his marriage, the town, cars, Barney’s sobriety. Hell, there’s even an episode where he kills James Bond. OK, he doesn’t do the actual murdering, but he sure as hell is responsible for the super-spy’s death. Can the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man make such a claim? No. No, he cannot. Winner? Homer Simpson.
Higher blood sugar level? This seems like a gimme for the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man, a creature made of marshmallows, which is basically sugar in pillow form. However, does he have blood? If he does, how would you test it? Homer Simpson, on the other hand, eats a lot of doughnuts. If he doesn’t have diabetes by now, then he is the luckiest cartoon character in the history of ever. Winner? Homer Simpson.
Better battle cry? Homer Simpson says “D’oh!” a lot. That’s not exactly inspiring. Unfortunately, the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man is mute, so our winner by default? Homer Simpson.
Met the Ghostbusters? Though an episode of The Simpsons references the Ghostbusters, the yellow folk of Springfield have never met the spirit-fighting team in person. That seems a shame, really, but I hope no one bothers to write that episode now, because I quit watching a few years back. The Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man, however, has met the Ghostbusters. That lucky bastard. Winner? The Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man.
Is a better person on the inside? On the inside, Homer Simpson is a big fat stupid lucky moron. Sure, he’s got a good heart, but that doesn’t prevent him from committing acts of evil on occasion. On the delicious, delicious inside, the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man is the ancient Sumerian god Gozer, who wants to destroy humanity. Winner? Eh, it’s a toss-up.
But in a head-to-head battle to the death? In one corner, we have the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man, the physical embodiment of the Sumerian god Gozer who has come to destroy humanity. (As a matter of fact, I do enjoy saying “Sumerian god Gozer who has come to destroy humanity.” How did you know?) In the other corner, we have Homer Simpson. He just said “marshmallows” and drooled a bit. Actually, he drooled a lot. Now if you’re not sure that Homer Simpson could devour a 100-plus-foot Marshmallow Man, I want you to think back to that Halloween episode of The Simpsons, where Homer goes to the hell of ironic tortures, and eats doughnuts until Satan gives up. That’s just one of many instances that leads me to believe Homer Simpson would have no problem finishing up the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man in one sitting. Winner? Homer Simpson.
Overall winner? Sorry, Stay-Puft, but Homer Simpson takes this one. Even without a cute sailor’s cap.