Splice is the creepy monster in your closet

June 2, 2010 at 2:35 pm (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (Splice)

So, yeah, I won’t be seeing Splice.

I mean, have you seen that thing? It’s like a peach with sharp fangs that wants to eat you. And I hated peaches already, man. But knowing that if you splice their DNA with human DNA creates a horrible mutant monster-creature … well, that just makes things worse.

(I don’t think it’s really peach DNA, but look at the head! Look at the head!)

Oh, God, I changed my mind. Don't look at the head! DON'T LOOK AT THE HEAD!!

I get the message they’re going for here, really I do. It’s “don’t frak with God’s creation, because when you do, it turns into killer beasties that probably have sex with Adrien Brody.”

(I’m just assuming here, but everything I’ve read keeps talking about weird sex scenes, and that would be weird.)

(I mean, seriously, sex with Adrien Brody? WEIRD.)

(Ha, ha, no, I’m just kidding. He’s gorgeous.)

Especially if that's not Photoshopped.

Anyway, just ’cause I get the message doesn’t mean I want to spend the rest of my life screaming when I see peaches.

(Well, screaming louder, anyway.)

GAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

So I won’t be seeing Splice. But you guys go ahead and do it. Just don’t blame me for your sudden, crippling fear of peaches.

Peaches will kill us all.