Dear Hawkeye Pierce,
I just want you to know, I’m not too picky.
Actually, I am really picky. I hate peas and asparagus, and I won’t eat anything that comes from the sea. Also, I’m not a fan of gummy bears. But what I mean is: I’m not picky when it comes to you.
That’s right, Hawkeye Pierce. Any incarnation of you, provided it is portrayed by young Donald Sutherland or young Alan Alda, is fine with me.
I guess what I’m saying is, I’d prefer to not get a local theater production’s incarnation of Hawkeye Pierce, unless the actor is really hot and fabulously wealthy.
So, Hawkeye (either Sutherland or Alda version), I think we would work as a couple. I really do. Sure, you’re a womanizing scoundrel, but who isn’t? I mean, this is war time. Hell, during war time, I’m a womanizing scoundrel. It’s just in humankind’s nature. So I don’t mind that about you.
Sure, some of your practical jokes get a little tired, but hey! You’re in a stressful situation, what with being the best surgeon at the M*A*S*H 4077th, doing your best to save all those soldiers coming your way. (We appreciate your service, Hawkeye Pierce, fictional though you are!) You’ve got to let off steam somehow, and if practical jokes and puns (and womanizing) are how you need to do it, then by gum, go right on ahead.
(I just said “by gum.” Did people say that in the Korean War era, or have I gone too far back, like to grandpappy’s time?)
And sure, Alda version of Hawkeye Pierce, you get a little preachy in later seasons, but I forgive you. Why? Because of your rakish good looks, that’s why.
(Rakish good looks give you a lot of leeway with me.)
(That, and the fact that either incarnation of Hawkeye Pierce is over 6 feet tall. That’s hot.)
You’ve got your flaws, Hawkeye Pierce, but so do we all. And I’m willing to overlook yours. (Because of your previously mentioned rakish good looks. So rakish. So good. And I do mean either version of you.)
So if you’re willing to overlook my flaws (Mostly, it’s the limited menu options, but also: my personality.) too, give me a call.
We’d be so cute together.
(Me and either one of you. Totally.)