Damn you, Will Smith, maybe your kid shouldn’t act, you know?

June 9, 2010 at 11:15 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , , )

I knew I didn’t even want to watch the Karate Kid trailer, so I didn’t. I watched the A-Team trailer instead. I was pretty sure I wanted to see the A-Team movie, but now that I know there’s a part where there’s a tank and it’s parachuting and somebody is in the tank and they’re shooting the cannon of the tank while it’s falling through the sky, squee, omigod, I want to see this movie so bad.

(I mean, did you see the cast? Could they not look more like the original television cast? So! Awesome!)

Hell, they look more like the original cast than the original cast did!

Ahem. Sorry. Back to “Why I don’t want to see the Karate Kid, an essay by Lokifire.”

Because whyyyyyyyyy?

I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love Jackie Chan as much as I love Pat Morita. They’re both just So! Great! But Jackie’s in the portion of his career now where he makes movies with children and makes me cry. Why couldn’t you have invested wisely, Jackie Chan? Or maybe you could start a Jackie Chan School of Physical Acting, and people could learn from one of the masters. (Required course No. 1: “The works of Buster Keaton: they’re so awesome.”) I know you love acting, or money, or money and acting, but it’s time to stop doing movies with children.

For God's sake, whyyyyyyy?

Especially Will Smith’s children.

Especially Will Smith’s children in movies that were financed by Will Smith.

Especially Will Smith's children in movies financed by Will Smith and they do a kick like that. That's just icky.

Especially when the movie bastardizes the original concept that had an actual moral lesson in exchange for ass-kicking. Not that I have anything against ass-kicking. To think that I do is just plain silly. I love nothing more than a good ass-kicking, which is why I’m sure I’ll enjoy the scenes in the A-Team where “Rampage” introduces himself: “I’m B.A. You’ll be unconscious.”

I pity the fool who ... something something.

Right, right, Karate Kid (The Smiths’ version (and not the good The Smiths, like that band with that crazy bastard Morrissey in it)) and why I’m not seeing it this weekend.

Because don’t frak with the classics just because you’re making a vanity project for your kid. Call it something else, like “The kid who goes to China and meets Jackie Chan and learns how to kick ass.” Don’t call it Karate Kid. It’s not the same thing at all. You suck. I hate you.

I wish Jackie Chan was in the A-Team instead. That would be awesome.

Be the badass that we know you can be. Please, Jackie Chan. Please.

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7 Comments

  1. Travis said,

    Yeah… the thing about the Karate Kid remake that really bugs me is that in the original the “kid” was supposed to be 15/16 (high school age at least) and a lot of the elements of the film hinged on that fact… but now with this little 10 year old Karate Kid… it’s just… kind of… gross. 😦

    At one point the remake was going to be re-titled THE KUNG-FU KID… I wish they had went that way.

    • lokifire said,

      Especially since he’s in China studying Kung-Fu and Daniel-San was learning karate from a Japanese man.
      Same film otherwise, though.
      Or something.

  2. Travis said,

    http://movies.yahoo.com/news/usmovies.accesshollywood.com/ralph-macchio-reveals-mixed-feelings-about-karate-kid-remake

    Holy crap! Ralph Macchio is 48!?

    He doesn’t look it though… must have been all that “waxin’ off”.

    • lokifire said,

      Hey! You can’t be funnier than me on my blog! Stop that!

  3. dangerousmeredith said,

    A lot of people are unhappy about the title and the fact that it refers to a Japanese martial art when the film is set in China.

    Jackie is great. And he has such an extraordinary body of work behind him. Surely he can find something better to do. I accept that he is too old to do lots of extreme physical work, but surely there has to be more interesting projects that he can still use his skills on (same with Jet Li). I think he is constrained by lack of imagination in the producers in the film industry. They can’t think outside the square

    • lokifire said,

      It’s truuuuuue!!!!
      Hollywood hates Jackie Chan, too. He’s damned brilliant, and they just are ruining him.

  4. MIMI said,

    ON je najlepší

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