Things I destroyed on Independence Day

July 6, 2010 at 10:50 am (Top Ten)

I love fireworks and fireworks love me. The way they are all on fire and explode-y without actually killing me. It’s so great.

Which is why, this holiday, I spent over $300 on fireworks, and I hardly regret it at all.

Pictured here: More than $300 worth of fireworks.

Here’s a list of 10 things that were destroyed over the Fourth of July weekend, by me.

1. The roof of my car. A helpful tip is to not park so close to where you’re shooting off fireworks, because then they’re less likely to land on top of your car, dimpling the hell out of it.

Maybe I'll just claim it was damage from the recent hail storms.

2. The ant pile in the driveway. Teach you stupid ants to build a hill where I’m lighting fireworks. What were you thinking with your tiny ant brains? What were you thinking?!

Hopefully you weren't thinking of building an ant hill this big, because I swear, I will just take a flamethrower to you little bastards next time.

3. My dog’s sense of well-being. It turns out that being locked in a room listening to Rock You Like a Hurricane on repeat is more traumatic for dogs than having to deal with fireworks. Who knew?

Note: not actually my dog. I don't even own a camera.

4. My hearing. Earplugs are an investment I need to make for the next Fourth of July holiday. Actually, maybe for all the holidays. “What’s that, auntie? I can’t hear you. I’m wearing earplugs!”

5. My bank account. Yeah, uh, maybe $300 was too much for fireworks. Oh, well, I needed to diet anyway.

6. The daddy longlegs that came wandering over right as I lit off that big fountain. Have you ever seen a spider on fire? It’s kind of funny in a tragic way.

Actually, this robot spider on fire is less hilarious and more terrifying.

7. About six defective fireworks. Stupid things! If you won’t explode, I’ll smash you good!

8. The roof of my mom’s car. She should’ve parked farther away too.

9. The front of the garage. What I want to know is how does a stubby little square firework tip over and start shooting at you when there’s no wind? How does that even happen?

10. My cat. I thought she was inside, but it turns out she wasn’t. Oh, well. She was a horrible, mean, ugly cat. Nobody liked her anyway.

I'm just kidding. My stupid cat is fine. She did bite me, though.

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2 Comments

  1. dangerousmeredith said,

    if all this is true then hurrah for your cat. your mother and dog are probably waiting for their chance too.

    • lokifire said,

      Nah, it’s mostly BS.
      I would never make my dog listen to The Scorpions.

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