Most of all, I hate weddings

July 15, 2010 at 5:42 pm (Top Ten)

Maybe not most of all out of everything in the world that I hate (which is a lot of things and includes dolphins), but definitely most of all out of all the ceremonies that you have to go to and are supposed to enjoy. (Like, yeah, I hate funerals, but what kind of sick frak is like, “Ooooh, I love funerals. I’m so happy Aunt Tildie died!”?)

They're the bastards of the sea.

So. Most of all, I hate weddings.

(I’m going to a wedding this weekend. I hate weddings.)

Here’s 10 reasons why:

1. Dealing with relatives. Look. I love my family. I certainly don’t want anything bad to happen to them, like they’re having a family reunion while I’m at work and while they’re all standing around the barbecued ribs, a meteor strikes them, and I certainly haven’t put a lot of thought into that image or anything, but: I hate spending time with them. (Not you, family members who are actually reading this blog. I love you! Ha, ha! Let’s hang out!) Christmas eve and Christmas are plenty, you know? I mean, who cares how much money Cousin Willie is making? It’s more than me. I know that. I know I’ve failed the family’s expectations and that they don’t understand why I like Cowboy Bebop. I don’t need constant reminders.

Because SPIKE SPIEGEL, what is wrong with you people?

2. Dealing with soon-to-be relatives. One of my cousins got married once. (Luckily, after a few years, he also got divorced, so that was short-lived, thank the gods.) Apparently, his bride’s family all suffered from some sort of hearing impediment or they were just goddamn morons.

Example 1: I had to help with flowers. I hate helping with flowers almost as much as I hate weddings. The flowers came with generic labels from the flower store, who couldn’t be bothered to learn that my cousin’s father was long dead. “Where is Joey’s (name changed to protect the somewhat innocent) father?” asked his bride’s aunt. “He’s dead,” I told her. A minute later. “I can’t find Joey’s father. Where is he?” A little louder: “He’s dead.” A minute later: “Does anyone know where Joey’s dad is?” Me, yelling: “He is DEAD, lady! He was murdered 10 years ago!” Stupid aunt lady: “Oh, I didn’t know that.” Me: “I just told you twice!” Stupid aunt lady: “Huh?”

Example 2: I’m in the bathroom. Several members of the bride’s family walk in. “I think that stall is empty,” one says. “It’s not empty!” I say. “Yeah, I think it’s empty,” says another. “THERE’S SOMEONE IN HERE!” I yell. “But it’s locked for some reason.” “BECAUSE SOMEONE IS IN HERE, STOP TRYING TO OPEN THE DOOR!” “Let’s send Judy under the door.” Me, kicking Judy in the face: “THERE IS SOMEONE IN HERE! GET OUT, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU FUCKHOLES, GET OUT!” Judy: “I can’t get the door open.”

3. It’s like a romantic comedy, without the comedy. I hate romantic comedies. But at least with all the lovey-dovey crap in a romantic comedy, you also get some “comedy.” A wedding’s all “Do you take this woman?” and “I do.” Who buys tickets to that crap, you know?

And it's just that much worse if you're attending Matthew McConaughey's wedding, you know?

4. You’re not allowed to upstage the brides. Look, people, I’m sorry, but some brides are just ugly. Just by existing, you’ve upstaged her. What are we supposed to do, not attend her crappy wedding?

Dear Gollum: Am sorry I can't attend your wedding. It's just that you are fugly. Regrets!

5. Small talk. “Sooo, still doing obituaries at the newspaper?” “Yup.” “How’s that?” “I wish I was dead.” “I hear ya.”

6. The music. Once, a friend of mine got married and had me play a country-western song on the piano at her wedding. I think that was to distract me from realizing she had three bridesmaid and not a single one of them was me. Ha, ha, I slept with your brother.

Wait, what was the point of this one?

Oh, right, I slept with your brother, former friend.

7. Some weddings are really, really, really long. Have you ever been to a religious wedding? They. Last. Forever. I had things I wanted to do with my life, like not die of old age in this church.

This wedding JUST got out. Ha ha ha ha ... fine, I really wanted to use this photo.

8. Figuring out what to wear. So, probably my thigh-high boots are out, right? Because I was really hoping to wear those somewhere. Wouldn’t they look great with this miniskirt? Come on, why do I have to wear old lady clothes!!

9. “So when will YOU be getting married?” “Fecking never, I hate these things. Also? Die.”

10. “No, seriously, when are you getting married?” “I will die old and unloved, which is at least better than the way you will die: Right. Goddamned. Now.”

Yeah, my cats will probably eat me before anyone notices I'm missing, but I'm still going to murder you.

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5 Comments

  1. RubyRoses said,

    God last weekend the guests I had were total assholes. I had to yell so loud to get their attention. Almost totally lost my voice.
    Though I do have a wedding I get to attend [as a guest!]. which I am looking forward too. because it’s my bro, and it’s next week!
    Also both my jobs are serving and such for weddings and events, but mostly weddings.
    When/if I get married I just plan on having a little party, at a bar, with free booze for the people I like..and cupcakes..and likely candy..

    • lokifire said,

      Free booze at weddings is awesome. You are A-OK in my book, RubyRoses.

      • Rubyroses said,

        Thanks! Minimal or no fuss is what I want. And other people should really make an effort too look good though. Like if the guests look like shit just brings the photo quality down.

  2. Wedding Pianist ! said,

    Point 6 about the music – got to get that right at a wedding !

    • lokifire said,

      Yup, and definitely you shouldn’t ask your not-best friend to play the piano, who stopped taking lessons in the sixth grade. Oh, well. Budget weddings and all.

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