Cole Sear vs. Danny Torrance

July 23, 2010 at 3:58 pm (Fictional Character Battles)

In case you don’t recognize those two names, which who can blame you?, these are the creepy kids from The Sixth Sense and The Shining respectively.

Seriously, if I had given birth to one of these unholy bastards, I’d’ve tied him up in a plastic bag and tossed him in the river with the kittens.

(Editor’s note: Before writing hatemail, here is a link to a word that can help you.)

So. Creepy.

Underlighting: increasing the creepiness of child actors 50% since 1999.

Still, the kid is making his finger say "Redrum." That's uber-creepy.

Anyway, Cole Sear sees dead people. Danny Torrance was nearly killed by his dad at a haunted hotel.

Let’s see how this battle turns out, folks.

Physicality. Well, this is a hard one, because they’re both little kids, and that’s just yucky. But, Cole Sear was a little kid in not the 1970s, so he doesn’t have a shag haircut, even if he does look exactly like Haley Joel Osment. Winner? Cole Sear.

Hangs with ghosts? Spoiler alert for the five people who have been living in a cave since 1995 and only just now discovered the Internet, but Cole Sear spends most of his time with Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense, who is a ghost who doesn’t know he’s dead. Like that short story where the dead guy is on the bus and he’s getting pissed because people keep ignoring him. (Did anyone else read that? I swear it was written in the ’80s.) Also, there are other ghosts who approach him, or haunt him, or whatever. Danny Torrance spends the winter snowed in at the Overlook Hotel, which is totally haunted and filled with evil, and of course Danny is psychic, because why not make matters worse, you know? Winner? It’s a tie, though I’m not sure “fleeing in abject terror” counts as hanging with ghosts.

Better catchphrase? Cole Sear’s is “I see dead people.” Danny Torrance’s is “Redrum.” Only one of those is “murder” spelled backwards. The other is “elpoep daed ees i.” That doesn’t make any sense at all. Winner? Danny Torrance.

Don't believe me? Just hold a mirror up to your computer. Then chant "bloody mary" six times.

Spoofed by The Simpsons in one of the best Halloween episodes ever? Who can forget the pure awesome of The Shinning? “All work and no play makes Homer … something something.” “Go crazy?” “Don’t mind if I do!” On the other hand, if the Sixth Sense was spoofed by The Simpsons ever, it was long after I quit watching the show, even the always-excellent Halloween episodes. (Well, they were middlin’ to average when I gave up, so that might be an overstatement.) Winner? Danny Torrance.

And remember how Groundskeeper Willie kept getting axed to the back? Gods, this was the best episode of The Simpons EVER.

Is a more powerful psychic? OK, here’s where I come clean and admit it: I didn’t actually watch The Sixth Sense. I mean, I kind of tried to, but by the time I got around to it, of course the surprise ending had been spoiled for me, which is kind of the point of the whole movie, so I skipped a few scenes. Well, pretty much all of them. So Cole Sear could be a really, really powerful psychic, I guess, but the truth is, I just don’t care. Winner by apathy? Danny Torrance!

Has a creepier dad? Does Cole Sear even have a dad? If he did, he was in one of the scenes I skipped over. But even if he was some kind of kitten-drowning madman, he can’t beat Jack Nicholson/Torrance in the Shining for creepiness. (It’s a genetic thing, I’ll bet.) Winner? Danny “Heeeeeeere’s Johnny!” Torrance.

Because shouting "Heeeeeeere's Jackie!" makes people think of the Kennedys.

Helps ghosts find closure? Danny Torrance helped ghosts find closure, if by “find closure” you mean eventually destroyed the hotel they were residing in and sending their evil souls to hell (in the book). Cole Sear, however, helps ghosts find closure in a more traditional, lame hand-holding sense. Winner? Cole “Damn Hippie” Sear.

What makes this film truly a horror movie is realizing that, since Bruce Willis has been dead all along, little Cole's mother has been just letting him wander around NYC on his own.

Is actually creepier? Oooh, now, see, this is hard, because both these kids are creepy little frakkers. I mean, if I saw one of these kids standing in the street, I would run him down. “Who’s a ghost now, you little bastard?! Who’s a ghost now???” But in the end, Cole Sear only sees dead people, while Danny Torrance can see dead people and the future. That makes him doubly psychic and, in my book, doubly creepy. Winner? Danny Torrance.

Overall Winner? Danny “Redrum” Torrance, because if you were created by Stephen King, you are inherently better than anything M. Night Shyamalan has shat out.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: