Nowadays, teens find themselves in relationships with all manner of mythical creatures, monsters and emo kids. But sometimes it’s hard to tell if your boyfriend is of a supernatural background or if he’s just plain hairy.
Thus, I have created this handy guide to help you find out if the boy you’re dating really is a werewolf or if he just wants an excuse to pee in your front yard.
1. There are two really obvious questions that we should just get out of the way first thing. Here is the first: Does your boyfriend change into a wolf with the full moon?
If the answer is yes, you are almost certainly dating a werewolf. I mean, really, it’s kind of obvious. Turning into a wolf is, like, the main symptom of being a werewolf. In case you weren’t sure.
2. The second obvious question is this: Are you only dating him to get over your vampire ex-boyfriend?
If the answer to this question is yes, then there is no doubt about it: you are definitely dating a werewolf.
Now, perhaps we’re dealing in subtleties here. Perhaps you think he’s probably a werewolf, but you just don’t know. The rest of these questions will help you find out for certain: is he a werewolf?
3. You haven’t actually seen him transform, but you’ve noticed you’re not the only one who gets a bit beastly once a month.
Ha, ha, it’s a menstruation joke! Whoop!
Seriously, though, this isn’t conclusive evidence that your boyfriend is a werewolf. Some men react negatively to their girlfriends’ cycles. Some only get paid once a month and get a little twitchy as they run low on funds. Some men are just plain bitches, and perhaps you should pay more attention the rest of the month.
4. He seems excessively hairy.
He could suffer from Hypertrichosis, which is romantically called werewolf syndrome, but involves less sexy shape-changing and more razor purchases.
Either that, or you’re dating a Wookiee.
He could be a werewolf, though.
5. Are you living in a gothic romance?
If you are living in a gothic romance and you are dating a guy you suspect is a werewolf, never fear. He’s not. He’s actually a “shifter,” which is what gothic romances call them nowadays.
Sure, it makes him sound a bit of a pussy and brings up the mental image of Marvel’s Morph, but you can be relieved that he’s not actually a werewolf.
6. Does he show a strong aversion to silver?
Some people just don’t like silver. I don’t know why. To me, it’s better than gold because it goes nicely with black and white, and is less obtrusive with most shades of blue.
On the other hand, if he shows a strong aversion to silver bullets, he could be a werewolf, or just a rational-thinking human being who wants you to stop shooting me with silver bullets, dammit.
7. Has he pissed off any witches, shaman or anyone else with the ability to place a curse on him?
A lot of people believe that people are turned into a werewolf via curse, which I think is silly, because it would be much worse if the curse turned your next-door-neighbor into a werewolf. Sooner or later, you know he’s coming for you.
At any rate, if your boyfriend has pissed off someone with magical abilities, there is the possibility he is a werewolf, but it’s just as possible they’ve decided to curse him with erectile dysfunction. It could really go either way.
8. Has he been bitten by a werewolf?
Maybe it was a real wolf. Is he showing symptoms of rabies? To the uneducated eye, rabies can appear a lot like lyncanthropy. Take him to the doctor. If they can cure him of his ailment with a series of painful shots to the abdomen, he’s not a werewolf. If, instead, he kills and eats the doctor, you have a whole ‘nother can of worms to deal with, including the possibility that he could be a werewolf.
9. Does he run around shirtless a lot?
Apparently werewolves do that.
10. Is he overly protective of you when your vampire ex-boyfriend comes around?
Look, I thought I told you already, if you are dating a guy, any guy, after dating a vampire, he is clearly a werewolf and you are only using him to soothe your own hurt feelings. Clear up your guilty conscience, why not, and introduce him to your neighbor’s pretty Husky.