Spiderman vs. Robin

August 31, 2010 at 11:35 am (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , )

It’s a battle of the boy wieners!

(That came out dirtier than I intended.)

Spiderman's a little on the nose, but at least he didn't use "lad" in there somewhere.

Run, Boy Wonder, run!

Anyway, I’m none too fond of either Spiderman or Robin, but I thought, hey, let’s tally things up and see which one I’m slightly less less fond of. To write that in a manner that has fewer repeated words: Which one do I hate the least?

On to the slapfest!

(C’mon, you know they’re both slappers.)

Physicality. Spiderman is the teenaged/middle-aged/it depends on who’s writing-aged Peter Parker, who was played by Toby Maguire in the films, and Andrew Garfield in the reboot, because why not do a reboot already. Also, who the hell is Andrew Garfield? Anyway, they’re both brunettes who aren’t hideously ugly, but they’re certainly not my cup of tea, so meh. Robin is the teenaged five or six different people, and I can’t ever keep track of them all (because I don’t care), so we’ll go with the Dick Grayson version, who is actually Nightwing now. That name still doesn’t make sense to me. Whatever. Dick Grayson was played by Chris O’Donnell in that abomination unto the Lord, Batman Forever. Chris O’Donnell isn’t bad-looking, I guess. Winner? Andrew Garfield, for not having been in a comic book sequel yet.

Good news, everybody! I want to slap Andrew Garfield as much as I want to slap Spiderman himself. It's perfect casting!

Has superpowers for some reason. Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive spider and, rather than succumbing to cancer like any of the rest of us would, mutated into a superhuman with ridiculous powers like “spider sense.” If spiders are so sensitive, why don’t they cry when I squash their friends, huh? Robin has no superpowers, and would probably just get a rash if a radioactive spider bit him. Winner? Spiderman.

Trained with a much more awesome superhero. A lot of people say Batman shouldn’t be called a “superhero” because he doesn’t have superpowers, but those people are jackasses, because Batman’s superpower is being the goddamned Batman. He trained Robin, because being the Dark Knight gets lonely, and sometimes you need the companionship of a teenage boy. Also, a more visible target.

"That's right, Boy Wonder, stand slightly in front of me."

Spiderman lives in the Marvel Universe, which has never been exposed to the awesome that is Batman, so he missed out. Also, he got superpowers, so he didn’t need to train with anybody. Winner? Robin.

Is in a movie series with cameo appearances by the great, godlike Bruce Campbell? Thanks to Sam Raimi, creator of the Evil Dead franchise, being good buddies with the very excellent Bruce Campbell, the man himself has had a cameo appearance in every Spiderman movie that I’ve ever seen, and possibly also the third one. Robin’s only been in one Batman movie that I’m aware of (So lazy! So apathetic! Refuse to research older Batman movies!), and even Bruce Campbell at his slummingest wouldn’t be involved with that stinkbomb. Winner? Spiderman.

It's been a while since I've had an excuse to remind you people that Bruce Campbell is a god.

Later became Nightwing? As I mentioned before, Dick Grayson went on to become Nightwing, and dated some hot alien spacechick because being Batman’s apprentice is a total aphrodisiac. Winner? Robin.

None of us could say we wouldn't sleep with Robin if we thought it would get us closer to Batman.

Suffered the loss of parents/parental figure(s) as part of a tragic, tragic backstory? What comic book is complete without a tragic backstory? Not even Lone Wolf and Cub, dammit. Spiderman is an orphan being raised by Aunt May and Uncle Ben until he gets bitten by a radioactive spider and decides to become a wrestler because that’s totally logical. Although I guess I do like that he wasn’t immediately: “Hey! I have superpowers! Time to fight crime!” like everybody else except the supervillains. So he’s got that going for him. Anyway, as a result of his wrestling, some guy killed his Uncle Ben. The moral here is to never join the wrestling team. Dick Grayson worked in a traveling carnival as part of a family of acrobats because screw child labor laws, that’s why. His acrobat parents were totally murdered in front of him, just like a young Batman’s (Batboy’s?) parents were before him. It’s so goddamned tragic up in here, you guys, I just can’t stand it. Winner? Spiderman, for losing slightly more relatives to tragic circumstances.

Has a better costume? Spiderman has a red and blue costume so he looks exactly like a spider.

Just like this one! ... Wait, are those beads?

Robin has a red, green and yellow costume because there can only be one dark knight, dammit, so someone has to be the almost-primary-colors knight. Winner? Nobody. Their costumes both suck. Although at least Spiderman’s doesn’t have a ridiculous cape, so maybe … nah. Still stupid.

Has a hotter wife? Well, Peter Parker used to have a hot wife until he sold his marriage to the devil, because … wait, what? This happened? Gods, no wonder I’ve been sticking to small press stuff lately. Jesus. I mean, shit. Who sells their marriage to the devil? And what kind of half-assed devil buys that sort of thing? I don’t think Robin ever married. Well, this category would’ve gone to Spiderman, because redheads are hot, but whatever. Winner? Nobody.

Dear Hollywood: as long as you're re-casting, please cast an actual redhead as Mary Jane Watson. Or at least a hotter blonde than Kristen Dunst.

Overall winner, because I’m sick of these two guys already? Spiderman, for causing slightly fewer gay jokes than Robin.

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