Wile E. Coyote vs. Wylie Times

September 14, 2010 at 11:12 am (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , , , , )

One’s a cartoon coyote. The other’s a comic book hitman. (That’s pretty simplified, but you try to explain 100 Bullets in one sentence. And it can’t be a run-on!!)

I'm trapped in an existential nightmare!

Not my favorite picture of Wylie Times, but one of the few that was a decent size.

What do they have in common?

Probably not much.

But let’s get down to business anyway, shall we?

Physicality. Wile E. Coyote is a cartoon coyote. I know I said that already, but I just want you to know why he’s going to lose this category. Wylie Times is a human drawn by Eduardo Risso, which means he’s very noir-ish, but also? More attractive than a cartoon coyote. Winner? Wylie Times.

More of a danger to those surrounding him? Unless you’re the roadrunner, the chances of you dying by being in the vicinity of Wile E. Coyote seem pretty great. After all, he’s always setting off bombs and rockets and making roads that lead off cliffs. Wylie Times is a member of The Minutemen, guardians of The Trust, who is called the “Point Man” because he never shoots a bullet without having a point to it. I don’t actually remember anyone calling him “Point Man” in 100 Bullets, but it’s in his character bio, so I guess? Anyway, you don’t get to be a Minuteman by being some pussy who doesn’t shoot, stab or punch people in the brains on occasion. Winner? This is a tie. These guys are walking calamities.

"You're a coyote and you want to order a rocket? Great! We'll ship it right out."

Leads a more pointless existence? Wile E. Coyote is, apparently, a millionaire coyote or one who is very good at credit card fraud, as he is always ordering equipment of destruction from the Acme Company so he can kill and eat the roadrunner. The irony is that if he has all this money, why doesn’t he just order a pizza? Or an assassin to kill the roadrunner? Or buy a roadrunner farm and raise his own roadrunners and eat them? Wylie Times was a Minuteman who, when The Trust decided they were unnecessary, was supposedly murdered but was actually “deactivated” and works as a gas station attendant. Later, he is “reactivated,” and just read 100 Bullets already, a’ight? He is murdered by another Minuteman, which is a shame, because he and Cole were two of my favorites. Winner? Wile E. Coyote. At least Wiley Times’ life had a few minutes of worthwhileness about it.

Two things about Cole Burns that make me sad: 1) his ridiculous death; 2) they were going to have Keanu Reeves portray him in the video game.

Has a tragic love? Wile E. Coyote’s tragic love is the love of eating roadrunner meat. So it’s not really “love” at all. More like “hunger.” Or “starvation.” Wylie Times was in love with Rose, a member of The Trust, who betrayed them and had to be murdered. By Wylie. Because it was his job. Later, he fell in love a bit with Dizzy Cordova, like who didn’t, you know? Winner? Wylie Times.

Wylie and Dizzy make a really hot couple.

Was more successful in reaching his goals? The whole point of Wile E. Coyote is that he never eats the roadrunner. That’s really sad. Wylie Times became a Minuteman again and possibly committed suicide by other hitman. Maybe. Look, 100 Bullets is pretty dense, and I think I misinterpreted a lot of it. Anyway, he had better luck than that poor damn coyote. So, winner? Wylie Times.

Got to hang out with Dizzy Cordova? Hey, I said everybody fell in love with the girl, all right? I wish I could hang out with her. Since Wylie Times got to, he’s a winner in my book. Winner? Wylie Times.

Beautiful AND deadly. What's not to love?

Has cooler gadgets? Wile E. Coyote has access to all sorts of gadgets, and has also done things like strap bottle rockets to roller skates, which is awesome. Wylie Times mostly shoots people with guns, which is also awesome, but not very tech-y. Winner? Wile E. Coyote.

Overall winner? By virtue of being in one of the best comic books ever, Wylie “Point Man” (I really don’t remember them calling him that) Times.

Please read 100 Bullets. It is all sorts of awesome.

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3 Comments

  1. Jamin said,

    you know, maybe i just need to re-read 100 Bullets, but i swear, Brian Azzarello may be the only comics writer out there who i find more confusing than Grant Morrison. i seriously still do not know what the heck happened in 100 Bullets. i got done with the last issue and was like, “Wait, what?”

    • lokifire said,

      It helps if you re-read it, for sure.
      Because no one is more confusing than Morrison.

  2. Manabozho said,

    Highly entertaining post!

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