So you think you’re dating Superman: a modern teen’s guide

September 16, 2010 at 11:34 am (Top Ten) (, , )

Recently, you’ve noticed a lot of girls in your class are dating vampires, werewolves and even the occasional Egyptian mummy.

Well, bully for them, you think, but I’ve got bigger problems than that.

That’s right. While those girls are busily dating movie monsters who have recently turned emo for some reason, you suspect you’re dating a superhero. And not just any superhero. The superest hero-est of them all: Superman.

We miss you every day, Mr. Reeve! Rest in peace!

Well, are you?

Here’s 10 ways to find out:

1. Is your boyfriend a reporter? With today’s economy and the uncertain state of the traditional newspaper, the only people who are reporters are either 1) terrified; 2) have their superhero-ing to fall back on when things go bad.

Please tell me your boyfriend has an awesome hat like this.

2. Does your boyfriend look remarkably like Superman, except he wears glasses and occasionally stammers? Stammering shouldn’t change how your boyfriend looks, I don’t care how confident Superman is. And if you can’t recognize your boyfriend when he’s not wearing glasses, then you are the worst girlfriend ever.

Gosh, I just feel so SILLY for not noticing!

3. But say you are the worst girlfriend ever. Is your boyfriend incredibly resistant to the idea of wearing contacts? Does he have ridiculous excuses for being resistant? Like: “Contacts make my eyes sweat”?

4. Whenever Superman saves someone, is your boyfriend nowhere to be found? He could just be a coward. Some people hide when there is danger. But if he returns immediately after the danger is over and acts surprised that there was any danger at all, then he either doesn’t want you to remark on his cowardice or is actually Superman.

I guess he could be Spiderman, too. Spiderman does that.

5. Does he wear red and blue a lot? And yellow? Is there some yellow in there? Does he act like he’s getting away with something sneaky when he’s wearing red and blue?

Or does he occasionally go bare-chested with only a giant "S" to hide his shame?

6. Does he refuse to dress up as Superman for Halloween, even though you think he’d make a really cute Superman? It could be because Superman wears his skivvies on the outside, and some guys just don’t go for that sort of thing.

Also, most Superman costumes are ridiculous.

7. Does your boyfriend have friends named Diana Prince, Bruce Wayne and Oliver Queen? It’s either a remarkable coincidence, or they’ve already formed a Justice League.

And watch out for that Diana Prince. She tends to get a little handsy.

8. Speaking of names, does your boyfriend go by Clark Kent or some variation thereof? If so, that’s a dead giveaway.

9. Did your boyfriend date a Lana Lang before he met you? And is your name Lois?

And are you just cute as a BUTTON?

10. And, most importantly, does your boyfriend have superpowers? Specifically, Superman’s superpowers, which are variable and include making teeny little Supermans in some issues?

Teeny little supermen?

If your answer to all, most or some of these questions is yes, you can rest assured that you are probably dating Superman maybe.

I think what Alex Ross does with paints is a superpower of his own.


1 Comment

  1. Travis said,

    Ha! That midget *is* cute.

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