So you think you’re dating a time traveler: a modern teen’s guide

October 1, 2010 at 4:37 pm (Top Ten)

So, you’re pretty sure you’re dating a time traveler. All the clues are there. The time traveling. The … more time traveling.

And, yeah, I’ve got to say: all that time traveling? Pretty conclusive.

You’re dating a time traveler.

But which time traveler are you dating?

Here’s a list to help you find out:

1. Has he “come unstuck in time”? Does he refuse to talk about his experiences in World War II? Does he often say odd things, like Kurt Vonnegut might do?

Congratulations! You’re dating Billy Pilgrim.

The guy, not the '90s band that shares his name.

2. Is he bald? Possibly French? Does he often say “Make it so”? And he carries a taser set to “stun”?

Yes? You’re dating Jean-Luc Picard.

Or it could be Professor X, and he's just making you THINK he's Jean-Luc Picard.

3. Is he a doctor? Does he sometimes seem like a completely different guy than the one you started dating, and it’s because he is? Does he have a woman he calls a “companion” always hanging about?

Don’t be jealous: You’re dating Doctor Who.

Well, I guess you can be jealous if his "companion" is really hot.

4. Is he short? Does he look like Michael J. Fox? Does he hang out with Christopher Lloyd? Does he drive a Delorean?

Does he wear a nifty orange vest? Are you possibly his future mom?

Good news! You’re dating Marty McFly.

5. Does he try to set things right in the past? Does he look like a young Scott Bakula? Does he (*sob*) never make it home?

Did you hope each leap would be his leap home?

 That means you’re dating Sam Beckett.

Er, not the playwright.

6. Is there a time machine in your basement? Has he mentioned the morlocks and he’s not a Marvel character?

You’re dating HG Wells’ time traveler.

Bonus points for the Guy Pearce version.

7. Does only his mind travel through time? Does he refer to most everyone as “brother”? Is he Scottish? Did he disappear to a mysterious island for several years?

Is he sometimes mistaken for Jesus?

Lucky you! You’re dating Desmond from Lost.

8. Does he say Whoaaaa a lot? Has he met Death? Does he have a friend named Bill? Or Ted?

You’re dating Ted. Or Bill.

I can't remember which one's which and, also, I don't care.

9. Is he a Connecticut Yankee? Is he in King Arthur’s Court? Does he sometimes go by “Boss,” even though he’s not Bruce Springsteen?

You’re dating Mark Twain’s time traveling Connecticut Yankee.

He looks a lot like a book cover, apparently.

10. Did you first meet him when you were a child? And didn’t find it creepy when he told you he’d marry you when you grew up? And then you did marry him when you grew up? And then you had babies that traveled through time?

Then you’re the Time Traveler’s Wife.

And it's all worth it, for you get to gaze upon this loveliness every day. (That he's not traveling through time.)



  1. Travis said,

    Henry Ian Cusick (Desmond) was a vigilante/secret kiddie-diddler on the first two episodes of Law & Order: SVU this season. At first I thought it was the most confusing episode of LOST ever!

    • lokifire said,

      Oh, of course he was. Frakking SVU.

      • Travis said,

        Yeah — I was kind of hoping he’d stick around for a while. He showed interest in Olivia… of course it turned out that he was faking it.

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