Wes Craven doesn’t want me to sleep

October 6, 2010 at 11:17 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, )

Wes Craven’s new horror film opens this weekend. It’s called My Soul to Take, which comes from that creepy prayer where the kid says, “If I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.”

Yup. Pray that prayer just in case you don't wake up in the morning, kids. Sweet dreams!

As if that prayer isn’t bad enough, it’s a movie directed by Wes Craven, the master of making me wee my pants in terror.

I totally had no idea he looked this harmless.

So, I steeled my resolve and watched the trailer anyway. For you, faithful readers. For you. (Well, that and because there’s no way in hell I’m watching that new Katherine Heigl trailer. I mean, I’m no masochist, you know?)

Huzzah! A comedy about raising a baby! We needed another one of those!

And I’ve got a few observations:

1. Who the hell walks along the creepy bridge at night? Especially in this day and age. I didn’t know teenagers ever walked anymore. I mean, I’d believe it more if the first murder victim kid was riding a segway even, you know?

Also, it would add a sorely needed note of humor to the chase scene, don't you think?

2. “If he was evil enough, somebody you thought was dead could come back to life.” WHAT? Why does that even seem logical to you, stupid sheriff (maybe?) character? I’m hoping that’s taken out of context and the next line from that guy is: “Seriously, you really think that? How stupid could you be?”

3. Who else thinks the annoying girl who keeps accusing everybody else of being the reincarnated serial killer is the real serial killer? Kind of a “who smelt it dealt it” thing going on there, you know?

What? No, I totally didn't fart. Or kill all our friends.

4. “The Riverton Ripper”? Unoriginal much, small-town newspapers?

5. Also, how come seven kids in the same wee little town share the same birthdate (which, in turn, is the same as the day the “Riverton Ripper” died)? That seems kind of anti-the law of averages, you know? Were their parents all at the same orgy that weekend?

6. My ex-boyfriend used to be in a band called Bug.

And now Max Thierot plays a character named Bug! It's some sort of kismet or something.

7. Is the black kid blind? Oh, man, now he’s twice as dead. Poor bastard.

You poor blind, black bastard.

8. This movie … doesn’t actually seem that scary.

Although I did feel a little terror every time this guy appeared onscreen. I think it was 'cause of his hair, though.

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