Wes Craven’s new horror film opens this weekend. It’s called My Soul to Take, which comes from that creepy prayer where the kid says, “If I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.”
As if that prayer isn’t bad enough, it’s a movie directed by Wes Craven, the master of making me wee my pants in terror.
So, I steeled my resolve and watched the trailer anyway. For you, faithful readers. For you. (Well, that and because there’s no way in hell I’m watching that new Katherine Heigl trailer. I mean, I’m no masochist, you know?)
And I’ve got a few observations:
1. Who the hell walks along the creepy bridge at night? Especially in this day and age. I didn’t know teenagers ever walked anymore. I mean, I’d believe it more if the first murder victim kid was riding a segway even, you know?
2. “If he was evil enough, somebody you thought was dead could come back to life.” WHAT? Why does that even seem logical to you, stupid sheriff (maybe?) character? I’m hoping that’s taken out of context and the next line from that guy is: “Seriously, you really think that? How stupid could you be?”
3. Who else thinks the annoying girl who keeps accusing everybody else of being the reincarnated serial killer is the real serial killer? Kind of a “who smelt it dealt it” thing going on there, you know?
4. “The Riverton Ripper”? Unoriginal much, small-town newspapers?
5. Also, how come seven kids in the same wee little town share the same birthdate (which, in turn, is the same as the day the “Riverton Ripper” died)? That seems kind of anti-the law of averages, you know? Were their parents all at the same orgy that weekend?
6. My ex-boyfriend used to be in a band called Bug.
7. Is the black kid blind? Oh, man, now he’s twice as dead. Poor bastard.
8. This movie … doesn’t actually seem that scary.