So you think you’re dating a Hollywood movie monster: a modern teen’s guide

October 28, 2010 at 11:46 am (Top Ten) (, , , , , , , , , )

So, you’ve met this great guy. Doesn’t talk much. Shy. Basically unkillable.

A real catch, right?

But is he a Hollywood movie monster?

(Because it’s nearly Halloween, don’t you think you should assume he is?)

Anyway, here’s a list for you to find out for sure.

1. So, yeah, he’s the quiet type, but when he does talk, he mentions: a) revenge; b) his preternatural disposition towards evil; c) “arrrghhhh.”

If it’s a), you might be dating Freddy Krueger. Or that guy in the movies whose sensei was wronged or parents were murdered. If it’s b), you could be dating Michael Myers or possibly Jersey Shore’s The Situation (because I can’t make enough Jersey Shore jokes, that’s why!). If it’s c), you  could be dating Jason. Or Michael Myers. I actually can’t remember if either of them could speak at all. (Could be a zombie, though.)

This was the only picture of this asshole I could find where he's at least mostly wearing a shirt.

2. Your boyfriend has a unique sense of style. He’s always wearing: a) a striped sweater and tekagi; b) a potato sack or something; c) a hockey mask.

If it’s a), your boyfriend’s wardrobe bears a striking resemblance to Freddy Krueger’s. Either that, or he’s the world’s worst-dressed ninja. If it’s b), you could be dating Michael Myers, because what the hell is that thing he’s wearing? If it’s c), you’re probably dating a hockey player. Or Jason. It could be Jason.

Tekagi: because neko-te are for girls.

3. You and your boyfriend haven’t been intimate because: a), b) and c) the slutty teens always die.

But does it count if you’re getting busy with the killer of said slutty teens? The jury is still out on this one.

I've never even seen this film, but I can tell you without a doubt that the teens in the front on the left (our left, not theirs) are total killer bait.

4. When you go on a date with your boyfriend, he’s likely to take you to: a) the place where he was murdered by the neighborhood parents; b) Jamie Lee Curtis’s house; c) a creepy summer camp.

If you chose a), you’ve got to ask yourself a couple of things, most importantly being: why are you dating a dead guy? (You can sort out the other questions on your own.) If it’s b), you might be dating Michael Myers, or just a guy who’s realllly into Jamie Lee Curtis. If it’s c), you’re either dating Jason or someone who got suckered into being a camp counselor instead of getting a real job.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say there is absolutely nothing wrong with liking Jamie Lee Curtis a little too much.

5. The word that best describes your boyfriend is: a) slashy; b) stabby; or c) murderous-y.

If you chose c), I’ll just have you know that it totally is a word because I have used it before.

6. Sometimes you think your boyfriend is dead, but: a) he always get resurrected in dreams; b) that’s silly because he can’t be killed; c) it turns out you were actually dating his mother!

It the answer is a), you are probably dating Freddy Krueger, because I can’t think of a single other Hollywood movie monster that would apply to. Unless there’s one in some weird Japanese film or something, I don’t know. If the answer is b), it could be Michael Myers, or it could be Spike Spiegel, if you’re dating him before the last episode of Cowboy Bebop. If it’s c), it’s definitely not Norman Bates, because then you would think mostly the opposite.

Normie, it's you? I thought I was dating your mother all along!

What? You thought I wouldn't slip in an image of Spike Spiegel?

7. Your boyfriend can only be defeated by: a) ceasing to fear him and causing him to manifest in the physical world; b) nothing, because he’s Michael Myers; c) crippling mommy issues.

Why would you want to defeat your boyfriend? What kind of relationship do you have, anyway?

8. Your friends don’t like your boyfriend because: a), b) and c) he keeps murdering them. Also, his breath.

That covers any of these guys. But what does peer pressure mean to you? You’re in love!

Iconic representations: handy!

9. Your boyfriend’s idea of a good time is: a) stalking teens in their dreams and killing them; b) stalking teens in their houses and killing them; or c) stalking teens at summer camp and killing them.

He sounds like fun.

Nothing funner 'n killing teens!

10. And, finally, you know you’re dating a Hollywood movie monster when: a), b) and c) he stars in a remake. Possibly by Rob Zombie, and almost certainly featuring Jackie Earle Haley.

There is no doubt about it. You are dating a Hollywood movie monster.

I love you, Mr. Haley!


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