A love letter to Inigo Montoya

November 12, 2010 at 6:24 pm (I Propose to Fictional Characters) (, , , )

Dear Inigo Montoya,

Westley, Buttercup’s true love, is cute and all, don’t get me wrong, but he’s also that thing I said right after his name: Buttercup’s true love. Also, lately he’s been in a couple of the Saw movies, and that makes me sad.

I could never come between them.

But you, Inigo Montoya, you (as far as I know) have never been in any of the Saw movies, even though you are (were?) on some TV show I never watch (watched?).

Your hair is much better like this, but what the hell was that show?

That’s OK, though, Inigo Montoya, because you are a hot-blooded Latin sword-fighting type, and if there’s one thing I know about myself, it’s that I love hot-blooded Latin sword-fighting types.

I think it's because of the way they have swords and all.

(Also pretty-boy Asian types, but that’s got naught to do with you, Inigo Montoya!)

Pictured here: Takeshi Kaneshiro, the most enduring example of "my type." Look at that! He even sews! Or crochets! Or possibly knits!

Let me list the reasons I love you:

1. My name is Inigo Montoya.

2. You killed my father.

3. Prepare to die.

I am so ready to be wooed right now, Inigo Montoya, you don't even know.

That is so hot, Inigo Montoya. I love a man whose filial devotion leads him to the pursuit of sword-fightery (whoo! I’m like the Shakespeare of the new millenium, all those words I make up!) and the unrelenting pursuit of revenge. I’m all for revenge, Inigo Montoya, and I even have a list of those who have wronged me from grade school on up, if you find yourself bored with the (movie!) pirate life.

Movie pirates are prettier than real pirates, but not prettier than Orlando Bloom.

(Seriously, it’s a long list.)

(I never forget a slight, people!)

Anyway, Inigo Montoya, if you’re looking for a vengeance-filled relationship, I am your gal. Also, if you’re not looking for that, and you just want to show off your fencing skills, I, too, am that gal. If you want a gal who still uses the word gal — that’s right, bub: I’m your gal.

We could be so revengeful together.

It would be beautiful.

Yeah, like holy light beaming down on you while you're guided by your father's sword beautiful. Just like that.

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6 Comments

  1. Rachel said,

    Dead Like Me, it’s on Hulu. He’s basically awesome in it.

    • lokifire said,

      It turns out I was actually thinking of Criminal Minds, because I had no idea he was in Dead Like Me.
      (Which I will someday get around to watching, I hope.)

  2. Kirren said,

    Two thumbs up. This post alone has made me obsessed with reading your blog. I’ve also passed it on to several friends so that they too can be “enlightened” ^.~

    • lokifire said,

      That’s so sweet! Thank you!

  3. Jing said,

    Cary Elwes dropped the ball when he made Robin Hood: Prince in Tights and that dodgy Top Gun spoof. I guess he has that sort of face.

  4. Georgia said,

    Mmmmn, Mandy Patinkin, he’s thrice my age but I would, I so would.

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