So you think you’re dating a boy wizard: a modern teen’s guide

November 19, 2010 at 12:58 pm (Top Ten) (, )

Because I’m feeling bad about my Harry Potter anti-review being not very funny at all, here’s a list of ways to tell if the boy you’re dating is not only a boy but also a wizard.

If it’s also not funny, I intend to blame J.K. Rowling.

So you’ve met this great guy, and you’ve been dating for a while. He’s a little odd. Not a vampire, like whatsername’s boyfriend, or Superman, like your friend Lois’s man, but there’s something slightly supernatural about him. So maybe he’s a wizard, maybe he’s not. But possibly he is. Are there surefire signs that you can watch for to prove he is a boy wizard? Of course there are!

(I might have made up some to most of these surefire signs.)

Here they are:

1. Does he use magic? This is generally a pretty strong indicator that you are dating a boy wizard, but you have to be careful as the magic user category also encompasses warlocks, magicians and some anime characters. So, while helpful to know that, yes, he does use magic, it’s not completely damning.

2. Does he have a book of magic? If he has the Books of Magic, then he is probably a Neil Gaiman fan. Warn him not to buy the expanded series, because that’s written by a totally different/much weaker writer.

If the cover's not brown, throw it down.

If he has a book of magic, he’s either one of those damn Wiccans who use that stuff to feel all empowered and shit, or he’s seriously using it to cook up some magic. If it’s the latter, you run into all the issues you came up against in the first question, like maybe he’s a warlock, magician or anime character.

3. Is he an anime character? If the answer is no, odds are increased that he is a boy wizard. If your boyfriend is an anime character, it’s possible he’s a boy wizard, but it’s more likely he was possessed by a fox spirit or is a shinigami.

Or he's a kekkaishi. (Just read/watch the damn series, all right? It's awesome.)

4. Does he wear a cape and a funny pointed hat? I include the funny pointed hat because if he’s just wearing a cape, he’s probably a superhero, which is a whole ‘nother species of weirdo altogether. If he’s wearing the funny pointed hat too, he could be in the midst of some stupid fraternity stunt if they even do those anymore, or he’s wearing it ironically, which means he’s an ass and you should dump him, or maybe he’s a boy wizard.

5. Is his father a demon? I don’t mean, like, his dad disapproves of your love and is a real dick about it. I mean like an actual, from-hell demon. Merlin’s father was a demon, and Merlin was totally a wizard. Although sometimes he was called a magician. I think that was mostly for the alliteration though.

Sometimes, I think he went by Merlin the Magnificent Magician.

6. Did he go to wizard school? I mean, who even has wizard school?

Doesn't wizard school even offer busing?

That’s just ridiculous. It’s like going to ninja school or having a school for mutants and … oh. Right.

Right, right, right.

7. Does he have a familiar? If his familiar is a green tiger who wears armor, you’re dating He-Man!

Ask him if you can ride his tiger.

He may be one of the Masters of the Universe, but he’s not a boy wizard. If his familiar is not a green tiger who wears armor, then chances are good that your boyfriend is a boy wizard. Although maybe you should ask him if that thing is just a pet, because it could be.

Don't mind me. I'm just taking my "familiar" out for his daily movement.

8. Does he pal around with people that can undoubtedly be described as “wizard-like”? That is, do the majority of his friends have long, white bears and magic wands? If they do, he is almost certainly a boy wizard.

If one of his friends is Maggie Smith, could you get her autograph for me?

9. When things are at their worst, is he often saved by some sort of deus ex machina? I’ve heard this is a common trait for boy wizards, or perhaps it’s just the earmark of a bad writer.

Sometimes it's hard to resolve a plot without a little help from the gods, eh, JK?

10. And, finally, the question I had nine other questions to lead up to: Have you just asked him if he’s a boy wizard? If he says yes, you really could’ve saved yourself a lot of legwork here.

"Well, gee, honey, it was pretty silly of me, but I just assumed your being named 'Harry Potter' was a coincidence! Kind of the way you totally exactly resemble Timothy Hunter from the Books of Magic. Coincidental!"

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