The movies I’m not seeing this Christmas

December 23, 2010 at 12:08 pm (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , , )

The thing I hate about Christmas, other than spending all that time with my family and having to be sober for at least part of it, is all the awful movies that come out over the holiday weekend.

For every True Grit, you’ve got Little Fockers and Gulliver’s Travels. And, to add insult to injury, please don’t forget that somebody made a Yogi Bear movie and it opened last weekend.

Because Hollywood hates us, that's why.

So why am I not watching Little Fockers? For the same reason I didn’t watch Meet the Parents and Meet the Fockers, because fock Ben Stiller, that’s why. (You see what I did there? Because their last name sounds like a swear? Ah ha ha ha, it’s still not funny, Hollywood, you bastards.) But seriously, why is this even a franchise?

I'm seriously asking, you guys.

And Gulliver’s Travels as a vehicle for Jack Black. Now there’s a phrase that strikes dread into my heart. I know there must be people out there who think Jack Black is great, but I don’t know who they are and I kind of hate them anyway. Jack Black is like take everything about Will Ferrell and make it fatter, and there you have it.

Oh, and go ahead and put it in short pants while you're at it, why not.

Family movies. Goddammit.

Yeah, go see True Grit instead, because Jeff Bridges is totally in it.

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9 Comments

  1. Jamin said,

    ! how did i know the Coen brothers were redoing True Grit but fail to realize The Dude is in it?!? dang, now i need to see it.

    • lokifire said,

      Hell, I didn’t even know there was a new version until someone told me they were seeing True Grit on Christmas, and I was like, “Huh? Is there a revival or something?”

  2. Travis said,

    I tried watching the first focking movie and I didn’t get the appeal. One of the movie sites I follow said that the new focking movie has a 7% approval rating on rottentomatoes.com. 🙂

  3. Terry said,

    “Jack Black is like take everything about Will Ferrell and make it fatter, and there you have it.”

    Nailed it. I’d rather spork my eyes out than have to sit through “Land of the Lost” or “Nacho Libre” again.

    “Hey, look at me. I’m a baby! A 6 FOOT FOUR BABY!”

    • Jamin said,

      see, i disagree, but only because while i find Will Farrell occasionally amusing, i *never* find Jack Black even remotely amusing.

  4. Jeremy said,

    Ha ha ha! Awesome. Post like this are why I love this blog! Hope your having a great Christmas.

    • lokifire said,

      Thank you, Jeremy. I had a lovely Christmas, except for when my cousin’s kid threw up all over our dining room floor.
      I hope you had a good one too!

  5. dangerousmeredith said,

    Posters for True Grit have just started springing up here in Melbourne down under. I would rather chew mice (as my ex chilean boyfriend used to say) than go and see the focking fockers and yogi bear. but true grit… It’s good, is it? You recommend it? I do love a good western

    • lokifire said,

      Actually, I’m not a fan of the western, so I haven’t actually seen it, but the trailer led me to believe it would be pretty good.

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