Why didn’t I like The Cape?

January 10, 2011 at 7:29 pm (Randomosity) (, )

So, watched the premiere of NBC’s The Cape last night. And, as I’ve said before, my mother never taught me “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all,” so, boy, do I have a lot to say!

You ugly and your momma dresses you funny!

First off, I was a bit hesitant to be excited about The Cape, because it seemed like a ridiculous idea. But so ridiculous it could be awesome? I wondered, and decided to give it a try. Commercials for the show seemed to support the “so ridiculous it’s awesome” theory, with villains named “Scales” and “Chess,” and a little person kneecapping someone with a giant wrench.

It's great the actor doesn't have to play an Ewok or a Munchkin, but OF COURSE he's in a freak show, because where else do you see little people. Gods, TV.

But it turns out it’s so ridiculous it’s ridiculous.

Although Scales might not have been ridiculous ENOUGH.

First off, the main character. He is so stupid. How stupid is he? He is so stupid that I can’t even finish this sentence with an appropriate metaphor. He is seriously the stupidest superhero to ever live, and I say that as someone who has read Invincible and is aware of the existence of Rex Splode.

Ha ha, every character's name is a bad pun, I swear.

I mean, there’s this bit where he sets up some sort of machine to throw knives at him, right? And then he’s surprised by the knives suddenly flying at him and he’s barely dodging and, look, I get the bit was supposed to be funny, but everybody knows you start training with non-lethal objects first and then work your way up to the heavy stuff.

I'll bet he filled this punching bag with rocks, and possibly scorpions.

And then there’s this part where his mentor says, “Don’t ever forget who it is that’s wearing that cape,” which is supposed to be some sort of rallying statement, except you’re worried he is actually telling the guy like, “Seriously, I am afraid you will forget your own name because you are that stupid.”

"Look, I might be stuck playing the 'mystical black man' character, but you are dumb as dog turds, boy."

And THEN he tries to sneak into the head supervillain’s evil headquarters, like he’s Batman or something, only he’s Batman after a severe brain-traumatizing event, and of course they catch him.

Yeah, think that, only stupider.

“Did you think I would let you get this close to me if I didn’t want you to?” says the supervillain.

“OF COURSE HE DIDN’T,” I said. “HE IS DEVELOPMENTALLY DISABLED.”

Just so you know, this is no reflection on the actor, who was actually pretty good. Which leads me to my next complaint, his awful, awful wife who can’t fake crying AT ALL.

Pretty hair, though.

And then there were the ridiculous lapses in time! I don’t even notice shit like that, and it was so glaringly obvious that I actually noticed! I noticed hard! Something was supposed to happen within one day, and yet there was time for our hero to get good enough at avoiding knives somehow while also making a mask for his costume while also staying in touch with Summer Glau while also doing I don’t know what. SERIOUS TIMING ISSUES, people.

Oh, and then our hero’s evil partner (of COURSE when he’s a cop, he’s got an evil partner) is now part of the evil corporation and his password is the same as it always used to be, which is FLOWERS, like, c’mon, even the evil corporation I work for makes me mix up my password with a number here, capital letter there. (And they’re not even going for world domination, as far as I can tell.)

Since everyone on this show is stupid, I can only assume that "Orwell" here uses "1984" or "Big Brother" for her password.

Plus there was the dumb bit where his wife got a job as a lawyer by yelling at her interviewer about how she shouldn’t be judged without a trial like her (framed, I forgot that stupid plot point) husband. And the interviewer was like, “Wow! You’re a jerk! You’re hired!”

Also, how did they find the mystical black man who gave our hero the cape? The supervillain was like “Find him,” and then they found him, and then he escaped, so why didn’t they just magically find him again? And just because the hero blocked cell coverage so the villain couldn’t blow up a boat with his cell phone, why did the villain just give up? Why didn’t he try again later, when it was fixed? Because he didn’t get rid of the explosives, did he? Was it in a scene that got cut? And how could our hero not notice the guy who nearly killed him leaving the bar WHEN THEY BUMPED INTO EACH OTHER? Is he being willfully stupid? Was it because he was testing the poison on himself for some reason that was never explained? Why did this show suck so bad?

And would it have killed them to have a scene where he's maybe putting in contacts or perhaps saying something about how his eyes look normal in daylight or something?

And don’t get me started on the dialogue.

Oh, and er, spoiler alert!

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3 Comments

  1. Travis said,

  2. elizabeth "beck" said,

    i couldn’t stand THE CAPE. i tried, it was just unwatchable. it was like a luxury perfume ad with weapons and men in tights, stupid. unnecessary. nothing but supermodels who can’t act in the cast and poorly thought out plots and characters ripped off from better source material. RIP dumbasses

    • lokifire said,

      Ouch! Such bile for a poor little show that tried so hard!
      It did suck, though.

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