Bender vs. Cylon Centurion

January 14, 2011 at 4:56 pm (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , , , )

It’s been a while since I’ve done a fictional character battle, and I blame several things, most especially my job, because I am blaming my job for everything that sucks right now, including natural disasters. Somehow the fault of my job, yes.

But now I have a spare moment, and of course, I’m thinking about robots. (Because when I’m not thinking about robots, I’m thinking about ninja. And when I’m not thinking about ninja, it’s zombies. And when it’s not them, it’s Takeshi Kaneshiro. And when it’s not Takeshi Kaneshiro, it’s thinking about cajoling my artists friends into drawing Elijah Snow as portrayed by Takeshi Kaneshiro.)

I'm not saying it would work, I'm just saying it's something I think about.

And, of course, one of the best robots ever is Futurama’s Bender.

In the future, you can totally be a robot and smoke all the cigars you want. That's a future I want to live in.

Another kind of robot is the Cylon Centurion, which, while not as hot as the Tricia Helfer model or the model that married Starbuck, still has its redeeming qualities.

Like being hella scary.

Let’s see what those are, shall we?

Let the battle commence!

Physicality. Bender is a robot. The Cylon Centurion is a robot. While I’m sure they’re both well-designed pieces of technology, neither of them is really as sexy as a 1968 Mustang. Winner? Eh, Bender?

If my father was a more patient teacher, I might know stuff about fixing up classic cars instead of crying every time I see a wrench.

Wants to kill all humans? Oh man, does Bender want to kill all humans. (Who doesn’t, really, though?) In fact, his mantra is “kill all humans,” which is coincidentally quite similar to his pickup line: “Hey, baby, wanna kill all humans?” On the other hand, the Cylons brought about the end of (most of) humanity, leaving us only with the whiny (yet hot!) Lee “Apollo” Adama and the stupid (yet hot!) Karl “Helo” Agathon.

Hell, who's going to be looking at this boy's brains, you know?

And a few other people, but I’m tired of trying how to remember the spelling of their names, so Madame President, Gaeta and Admiral Adama it is. Boy, those Cylons sure killed a lot of humans. Winner? The Cylon Centurion, because it makes things happen. (Things being, of course, mass genocide.)

Is more evil? As previously mentioned, the Cylons sure killed a lot of humans. But Bender is evil. There’s no getting around it. He even went to Robot Hell, which actually seems like a kind of fun hell to visit, but I imagine the constant singing would get grating after an eternity.

Or sooner than that. It's hard to know for sure.

Also, in the episode with Bender’s “evil twin,” it turns out that Bender was the evil twin, so, yeah. Winner? Bender.

And no one was really surprised by that reveal.

Lives long, long ago, in a galaxy far, far away? And doesn’t even have to hang out with lame robots like C-3PO? (Dammit, where does that hyphen go? Too lazy to google! Must! Press! On!) Well, Bender lives in the future, or else the show would be called Pastarama, although maybe not that, because then it would be about ravioli.

Which probably has its own television show already.

 According to Battlestar Galactica mythology, we are all descended from the adorable offspring of two of the hottest characters on the show: Helo and Athena. Which means that the show was set in the past, and also in a galaxy far, far away. (It means that because all the characters traveled to earth from a galaxy far, far away.) Winner? Cylon Centurion.

To make things fair, lives in the future? Bender is a robot that lives in the future! Thank God for the future! Where’s my damn hoverboard? Winner? Bender.

Dammit, Back to the Future, you have broken my heart.

Has better friends? Bender’s best friend is Philip J. Fry, time traveler. OK, I call him that, but he actually only travels through time on occasion, and usually with the rest of his spaceship crew, but he was born in the 20th century and this is my blog, so time traveler it is.

MY blog has more pictures of robots than YOUR blog.

Bender also spends variable amounts of time with the ass-kicking cyclops Leela (voiced by the equally ass-kicking Katey Sagal), the lobster-esque Dr. Zoidberg, Amy the really, really, really rich intern, and Professor Farnsworth. Oh, and Hermes, the Jamaican bureaucrat. Those people (beings?) are awesome, and I would like to spend time with all of them, except for Dr. Zoidberg, because I hate crustaceans. They are so gross. Does a Cylon Centurion even have friends? I mean, maybe they hang out with the various Model 6s and 8s, playing cards and trying on lipstick, but I just don’t see it. Winner? Bender.

I finally have an excuse to use that photo of Katey Sagal. Huzzah!

Has a better theme song? The Cylon Centurion lives on a show where all the music is composed by my hero, Bear McCreary (who is currently slumming on The Cape, Bear, I’m so sorry, hopefully television will create another show worthy of your talents someday!). But Bender is on a show with the Futurama theme song. Don’t make me choose. (Note: I realize that, actually, I am making me choose, but I still blame my job for that.) Winner? I’m sorry, I kind of thought I would pick the Futurama theme because it’s just so catchy and all, but I can’t betray the awesome Bear McCreary! It’s a tie.

I could never stab my favorite living composer in the back like that.

Makes time with beautiful robot ladies? Bender is always hooking up with the robot ladies, or man-ladies or lady-men, whatever. Also, during his brief time as a transsexual, he dated star of screen and stage (probably not stage, actually, but it sounded good) Calculon.

So many pictures of robots!

 However, the Cylon Centurion gets to hang out with lady robots who look like Grace Park, Tricia Helfer and Lucy Lawless. Even if it’s completely platonic, have you seen those ladies? Winner? Cylon Centurion.

A moment of appreciation for the BSG Marketing Department for posing these three beautiful women together.

Best name? Bender’s name is Bender Bending Rodriguez. The Cylon Centurion is probably called Cylon Centurion, which isn’t really so much a name as a description. Winner? Bender.

Overall winner? Bender, but he wouldn’t have won if he’d gone up against Sam Anders, because a pretty man beats a funny robot every time in my book, hands down.

I think this photograph illustrates the appropriate level of hands down-edness.

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5 Comments

  1. Jamin said,

    another excellent FCB!
    reading your blog is like visiting Nerd Heaven, or Geek Shangri-la, or Introvert Nirvana, or Socially-stunted Valhalla. bravo, my good chum, bravo!

    • lokifire said,

      Yeah, let’s go with Socially-stunted Valhalla.

  2. Shiro said,

    Wait, isn’t Bear McCreary composing the music to The Walking Dead (zombies!) TV series?

    And I agree, as much as I love Bender, he’s no Sam Anders, is he? Although it would have been difficult to choose between Bender and Hybrid Sam…

    • lokifire said,

      Yes, he is. But I submit it is no Battlestar Galactica (re-imagined.)
      Hybrid Sam was much too bald for me. Bender for the win.

  3. Poison Ivy vs. Audrey 2 « Hollywood Hates Me said,

    […] to kill all humans? Like Bender and the Cylon Centurion before them, there’s nothing these ladies (?) (Is it really OK to call a man-eating plant a […]

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