I expect more from Natalie Portman, I guess

January 19, 2011 at 11:39 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , )

So No Strings Attached looks like a wretched, bad, awful, horrible movie. I think it’s supposed to be a rom-com, but it’s hard to tell when every “joke” ends with the word “sex,” and you’re supposed to laugh because saying “sex” is funny. “Bumping uglies” is funny. Well, funnier than “sex,” anyway. OK, it’s not really funny at all. But that’s not the point. The point is, the word “sex” isn’t a punchline, unless you’ve led up to it with a really good joke, and goddammit, writers of No Strings Attached, you didn’t.

Unless I totally misinterpreted this whole thing, and it is totally a meaningful drama. Boy, would I feel silly if that were the case!

Plus it retreads all this dreadful rom-com ground: good buddies begin having sex with No Strings Attached and then they fall for each other. We’ve seen it. We’ve seen it with better actors than Ashton Kutcherand drunk Natalie Portman. (I mean, I know her career has been markedly uneven in terms of film choices, but I have to assume that they just kept feeding her margaritas to keep her compliant for this thing.)

Maybe gin and tonics, I don't know.

And why doesn’t Ashton Kutcher just go back to television? He was fine on television. I didn’t hate him on television. (Except in those stupid camera commercials, I guess.) But when I see him in movie trailers, I just want to punch his smug, Demi Moore-loving face so hard. Go back to television, Kutcher! Go star on some Two and a Half Men-like show that will be terribly, terribly successful, and I won’t ever watch it. Please, please, please stop starring in these wretched, bad, awful, horrible movies.

Or you can be a male model. I'm OK with you being a male model. I think you should, actually. That would be great.

And you guys? Please don’t go see this, even if you want to have movie theater sex really bad this weekend. Paying for the tickets just encourages Hollywood. They’ll make more like this! They’ll do it! If you must have movie theater sex this weekend, do it to an old release or something.

In case you're wondering: Yes, immediately after this photo was taken, half these people began having sex. The others just watched.



  1. Terry said,

    Saw the Black Swan bit on SNL with Jim Carrey. Assumed it was something they pulled out of their butt. Turns out the Black Swan thing is real (someone else pulled it out of their butt). Start a pile of money – if it gets big enough, you might be able to bribe me to see that – only if you’re using 50s and 100s.

  2. Grace said,

    I like Portman…but if I ever see this, I’m willing to bet I’ll get a few minutes in and just start looking for the remote…or just turn off the tv, anything else really.

  3. Jamin said,

    here’s the thing: Natalie Portman is like Liam Neeson. I.e. an incredibly talented [s]actor?actress?[/s] thespian who apparently isn’t afraid to slum it, big time.

    • Jamin said,

      dammit… i figured this would work like BBCode, so [s] … [/s] would be a strike-through. bummer…

      • lokifire said,

        I went in and added a slash for you, because my comments have a handy cheat bar up top. (I left the [s]s because otherwise your next comment doesn’t make sense.)
        (Yes, I know I could’ve just deleted your next comment. Having more comments makes me look popular. Shut up.)

  4. Shiro said,

    I’ve watched Black Swan a couple of days ago and it was a very good film. However, it always makes me wonder how much cocaine all these thespians (thank you Jamin, I love this word!) are snorting when from one really good film they make another one that is proportionally just as shitty…

    And if Ashton Kutcher is going to be doing any more films/shows he should definitely give up that clean-shaven look. He’s way more attractive with a stubble of a beard!

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