So No Strings Attached looks like a wretched, bad, awful, horrible movie. I think it’s supposed to be a rom-com, but it’s hard to tell when every “joke” ends with the word “sex,” and you’re supposed to laugh because saying “sex” is funny. “Bumping uglies” is funny. Well, funnier than “sex,” anyway. OK, it’s not really funny at all. But that’s not the point. The point is, the word “sex” isn’t a punchline, unless you’ve led up to it with a really good joke, and goddammit, writers of No Strings Attached, you didn’t.
Plus it retreads all this dreadful rom-com ground: good buddies begin having sex with No Strings Attached and then they fall for each other. We’ve seen it. We’ve seen it with better actors than Ashton Kutcherand drunk Natalie Portman. (I mean, I know her career has been markedly uneven in terms of film choices, but I have to assume that they just kept feeding her margaritas to keep her compliant for this thing.)
And why doesn’t Ashton Kutcher just go back to television? He was fine on television. I didn’t hate him on television. (Except in those stupid camera commercials, I guess.) But when I see him in movie trailers, I just want to punch his smug, Demi Moore-loving face so hard. Go back to television, Kutcher! Go star on some Two and a Half Men-like show that will be terribly, terribly successful, and I won’t ever watch it. Please, please, please stop starring in these wretched, bad, awful, horrible movies.
And you guys? Please don’t go see this, even if you want to have movie theater sex really bad this weekend. Paying for the tickets just encourages Hollywood. They’ll make more like this! They’ll do it! If you must have movie theater sex this weekend, do it to an old release or something.