Choosing is hard. Staying home is easy.

February 9, 2011 at 12:15 pm (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , )

Holy hanging albatross, Batman! Are there a lot of crappy movies opening this weekend!

(Although that was phrased as a question, it’s not actually a question. You could probably tell from the absent question mark, but just in case you thought I hit the exclamation point by mistake, I’m just clarifying.)

(Yes, I’m aware that came off as a bit snooty.)

First off, you’ve got Just Go With It, because Hollywood sat down and said, “You know what? Adam Sandler’s schtick is wearing thin and Jennifer Anniston has become a one-trick pony. How ’bout we change things up and put them in a rom-com together? What a good idea!”

I hate you so much, Hollywood, and I hate the viewing public in advance for making this a success.

Then: Gnomeo and Juliet. Because garden gnomes aren’t creepy and oh god they’re alive. THEY’RE ALIVE!!!!

Why, yes, as a matter of fact, I do have a pathological fear of ALMOST EVERYTHING, thanks for asking. On a related topic, Gah! Garden gnomes!

Also, you’ve got Justin Bieber in 2D AND 3D. And I just want you to know right now that I have nothing against Justin Bieber, despite my irrational hatred of most pop culture things, he seems like a genuinely talented and sweet-natured kid who is being marketed as a pussy by adults, and you can’t blame him for that. (You can avoid his movie for that, though, which I wholly intend to do.) I really hate his hair, though.

Damn your stupid hair, kid, and damn the tweens who love it.

And then you’ve got The Eagle, which actually looks like it is even worse than I imagined it would be. On the bright side, it stars Channing Tatum’s chest, and it shows his name in the credits, so I know I got it right this time, huzzah! On the down side, if it’s a movie starring Channing Tatum, it’s going to suck so why bother.

Because Hollywood desperately needs another Roman epic?



  1. Jamin said,

    i’ve asked this before, but it bears repeating: HOW THE HELL DOES JENNIFER ANISTON STILL GET WORK?!

    also, thanks for pointing out Bieber’s hair. now i realize why i’ve always wanted to punch him, despite never having been subjected to his music. i’ve always had a pathological urge to punch people with hair like his…

    • Jamin said,

      for that matter, how does Adam Sandler keep getting work?

      • Shiro said,

        Well, here’s hoping that this will be the last film either of these will ever be in.

        Seriously, they’ve been around since forever. Maybe it’s time they took a break? In the centre of the sun preferably.

      • lokifire said,

        You know, I do feel bad for these actors who’re stuck in a rut, but seriously, why can’t they get a job on some sitcom that I don’t have to watch?

      • lokifire said,

        I assume Sandler is still cruising along on “Happy Gilmore” goodwill.

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