And I don’t believe Axl was his real name either

February 14, 2011 at 3:46 pm (Whatever happened to ...?) (, , , )

So, Guns N’ Roses, right? You remember them? The way they combined the sensitivity of roses with the manliness of guns? And their lead singer was (is?) Axl Rose.

And lately, he’s gotten really, really fat.

Let’s find out why, or at least laugh at him for his metabolism change, eh?

So Axl was born in 1962 as William Bruce Rose Jr., which means I was right about the whole “Axl isn’t his real name” thing, so huzzah for me! Then the tragedy begins. Axl’s dad abandoned the family when l’il Axl was only 2 years old. His mother then met Stephen Bailey and married him, so l’il Axl became known as William Bruce Bailey. Bailey, apparently, was quite abusive, and so when Axl discovered the existence of his birth father, he reclaimed Rose for his own, but went by W. Rose so as not to be identified by a family abandoner.

Axl Rose’s early life is sadder than I thought.

For comparison: Oliver Twist.

Moving right along, Axl dropped out of school and started on the path to a life of crime. Unlike the rest of us, who are either currently in jail or criminal masterminds, his course was changed by the calling of musical stardom. Adopting the name W. Axl Rose after a band he was in, “Axl” or possibly “AXL,” because why would anyone spell axle that way?, Rose headed to LA. Which is weird, because I thought that’s where movie stars ran away to, not rock stars. Rose was in a variety of bands with increasingly ridiculous names, from Rapidfire to Rose to L.A. Guns to Hollywood Rose. I guess I shouldn’t laugh because I like a band called Frightened Rabbit.

Is it just me, or is Frightened Rabbit shorter than you expected too?

Then, in 1985, L.A. Guns and Hollywood Rose merged to become Guns N’ Roses. So that totally explains the name, but not why they didn’t spell out “and” or at least use an ampersand.

But not this one.

In 1987, they released Appetite for Destruction, which catapulted the band’s members to fame: Axl, Slash, the rest of them.

Er, yeah, who WERE the rest of those guys anyway?

Being so very famous and rich, Axl was quoted as saying this in Rolling Stone: “I was looked down on for being a poor kid that doesn’t know shit, and now I’m like, a rich, successful asshole.” (He was more self-aware than anyone had ever realized!)

Anyway, as the years went on, tensions rose and everybody started hating each other and Rose withdrew from the public view. Also, people stopped listening to Guns N’ Roses, except for my friend at work. Hi, friend! The band apparently never really broke up, but that didn’t really matter since Rose never left his mansion in Malibu.

But why would you leave your mansion in Malibu anyway?

Then some more stuff happened, but I don’t really care (worst biographer ever) and then the band released an album in 2008 and went on tour. (On a related note, a thing I’ve learned about Axl Rose is that it doesn’t matter how late he shows up for a concert, he will be pissed if you throw shit at him.)

Actually, the worst biographer ever is the jerk who wrote this book, because who quotes their subject from “Beyond”? Assholes, that’s who.

So apparently what happened to Axl Rose is that he is still the lead singer of Guns N’ Roses and time makes fatties of us all.

Yes, he was thin then, but I still think he should put on a damn shirt or do some crunches.

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28 Comments

  1. stephanie said,

    I love this posting ! and i am a huge Axl / G-N-R fan im 27 and have listened to them since i was a little girl . I cant wait for them to get back together i know it will happen and the best artist’s are always a bit crazy !

    • lokifire said,

      It’s so exciting when young people have heard of bands from the ’80s.
      Now get off my damn lawn!

  2. Terry said,

    Sweet Baby Jesus, I thought that was a picture of Chris Farley! How about a tale of the tape between Axl Rose (whose name is conveniently an anagram for ‘Oral Sex’) and Val Kilmer (who was born on the last day of the Fifties)?

    • lokifire said,

      I have never heard of this Axl Rose/Val Kilmer tape of which you speak. Please enlighten me!!

  3. robin resch said,

    what a bunch of bullshit this is… if you dont like somebody shut the fuck up..
    robin

    • love the 80's said,

      this is hilarious… get a sense of humor

  4. robin jones said,

    this is a bunch of crqap. if you have nothing nice to say, then dont say it..

    • lokifire said,

      Dear Robin, if you can’t spell a word as simple as “crap,” then please don’t use it.
      Also? Bugger off.

    • love the 80's said,

      ?

  5. Steve in Wyoming said,

    Not sure what all the hate is about. I thought the article was well written (and funny). I grew up listening to GNR never knew squat about the band. Now I’ve been enlightened!

    P.s. Looks like Axl’s two biggest fans both share the name Robin. What are the odds?

    • lokifire said,

      Thanks, Steve in Wyoming. I appreciate the kind words!

      • Emma said,

        Yeah, I agree. I love GnR and have listened to them since I was really little, but this article TOTALLY cracked me up. I mean, I do know all the bandmembers’ names, but it’s not essential to live and exist or anything. Anyway, don’t listen to all those haters. It’s hilarious 🙂

      • lokifire said,

        Thanks, Emma!
        I never listen to the haters, anyway. Or at least I try to never. Or at least I hardly ever sit alone in my bedroom, weeping softly, because of all the mean things they say.

  6. love the 80's said,

    this rocks! thanks for writing this…you made me laugh and cry a little…and damn at 50 he is still hot in my book!

    • lokifire said,

      Thanks, love the 80’s. My friend at work agrees with you about the hotness.

  7. Lynne said,

    He now looks just like an old friend of mine called “Fat Bobby” .

    • lokifire said,

      I’m just glad my nickname’s not “Fat Bobby.”

  8. Terry said,

    WOW what a fat ass!!! Now he is like a rich fat asshole.. Good article though, thanks for sharing

  9. axl rose » Images Search said,

    […] https://hollywoodhatesme.wordpress.com/2011/02/14/and-i-dont-believe-axl-was-his-real-name-either/ 12 April 2012 5:40am – Images « Axl Rose Axl Rose Axl Rose Photo 1816175 Fanpop » […]

  10. Andeezegirl said,

    His real name isn’t Axl it’s his stage name his real name is William Bruce Rose

    • lokifire said,

      Wow! I’m really impressed that you were able to type that, considering you’re clearly illiterate BECAUSE IT’S IN THE FRAKKING POST, STUPID.

    • anggitpy said,

      captain obvious? ist that you?

      • lokifire said,

        I can’t tell if you’re making a joke or if you’re looking for someone whose screenhandle is captain obvious. Or if you know what capital letters are.

  11. OBEY ZOMBIE (@OBEYZOMBIE) said,

    hey you should check out my lucas hates me shirt, its at http://www.obeyvader.com

  12. Annie said,

    I love your snark.

    • lokifire said,

      Hey, my snark needs some wooing first. Dinner, maybe a movie ….

  13. Zora said,

    BILO KAKO BILO ON JE JEDAN OD NAJVEĆIH SHOW MENA PERFEKCIONISTA I SEX SIMBOLA.NEKA NAM JE ŽIV I ZDRAV I DA USKORO SNIMI NEŠTO AKO DOBRO

  14. Diego Rooks said,

    cool witty post… but man, Ive seen lots of great rockstars in concert, but Guns n roses “use your illusion” Tour was mega glorious. 70 thousand people and 28 songs. Closing with paradise city that caused a stampede in which 2 people died (An apology was issued lated, the guilt went to the security of the venue.

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