And I don’t believe Axl was his real name either

February 14, 2011 at 3:46 pm (Whatever happened to ...?) (Axl Rose, Frightened Rabbit, Guns N' Roses, Peter Sellers)

So, Guns N’ Roses, right? You remember them? The way they combined the sensitivity of roses with the manliness of guns? And their lead singer was (is?) Axl Rose.

And lately, he’s gotten really, really fat.

Let’s find out why, or at least laugh at him for his metabolism change, eh?

So Axl was born in 1962 as William Bruce Rose Jr., which means I was right about the whole “Axl isn’t his real name” thing, so huzzah for me! Then the tragedy begins. Axl’s dad abandoned the family when l’il Axl was only 2 years old. His mother then met Stephen Bailey and married him, so l’il Axl became known as William Bruce Bailey. Bailey, apparently, was quite abusive, and so when Axl discovered the existence of his birth father, he reclaimed Rose for his own, but went by W. Rose so as not to be identified by a family abandoner.

Axl Rose’s early life is sadder than I thought.

For comparison: Oliver Twist.

Moving right along, Axl dropped out of school and started on the path to a life of crime. Unlike the rest of us, who are either currently in jail or criminal masterminds, his course was changed by the calling of musical stardom. Adopting the name W. Axl Rose after a band he was in, “Axl” or possibly “AXL,” because why would anyone spell axle that way?, Rose headed to LA. Which is weird, because I thought that’s where movie stars ran away to, not rock stars. Rose was in a variety of bands with increasingly ridiculous names, from Rapidfire to Rose to L.A. Guns to Hollywood Rose. I guess I shouldn’t laugh because I like a band called Frightened Rabbit.

Is it just me, or is Frightened Rabbit shorter than you expected too?

Then, in 1985, L.A. Guns and Hollywood Rose merged to become Guns N’ Roses. So that totally explains the name, but not why they didn’t spell out “and” or at least use an ampersand.

But not this one.

In 1987, they released Appetite for Destruction, which catapulted the band’s members to fame: Axl, Slash, the rest of them.

Er, yeah, who WERE the rest of those guys anyway?

Being so very famous and rich, Axl was quoted as saying this in Rolling Stone: “I was looked down on for being a poor kid that doesn’t know shit, and now I’m like, a rich, successful asshole.” (He was more self-aware than anyone had ever realized!)

Anyway, as the years went on, tensions rose and everybody started hating each other and Rose withdrew from the public view. Also, people stopped listening to Guns N’ Roses, except for my friend at work. Hi, friend! The band apparently never really broke up, but that didn’t really matter since Rose never left his mansion in Malibu.

But why would you leave your mansion in Malibu anyway?

Then some more stuff happened, but I don’t really care (worst biographer ever) and then the band released an album in 2008 and went on tour. (On a related note, a thing I’ve learned about Axl Rose is that it doesn’t matter how late he shows up for a concert, he will be pissed if you throw shit at him.)

Actually, the worst biographer ever is the jerk who wrote this book, because who quotes their subject from “Beyond”? Assholes, that’s who.

So apparently what happened to Axl Rose is that he is still the lead singer of Guns N’ Roses and time makes fatties of us all.

Yes, he was thin then, but I still think he should put on a damn shirt or do some crunches.