It turns out Drive Fast is actually called Drive Angry

February 24, 2011 at 12:08 pm (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , )

So, I knew there was a new movie with Nicolas Cage and cars and he’s trying to save his daughter or something, but I guess I didn’t realize he escaped from hell to do it.

That explains the clever tagline, I guess.

Which, apparently, he totally did.

(So it’s like Ghost Driver instead of Ghost Rider now?)

At least they don't have to bother with the flaming skull CGI this time. As far as I know.

(Also, Hollywood seems pretty certain Nicolas Cage is hellbound.)

Eh, not that they're thinking any different than the rest of us.

So, Drive Angry, right? Is about Nicolas Cage rescuing his granddaughter it turns out, because the bad guys murdered his daughter and, for some reason, took her baby. Why would bad guys do that? This isn’t one of those Lifetime movies where it’s some lady desperate for a baby but she can’t have her own, is it?

Holy crap, SERIOUSLY, Lifetime?

Yeah, so Nicolas Cage busts out of hell to do some baby rescuing, and he’s followed by Satan’s right-hand man, who is played by my generation’s Christopher Walken. I mean, doesn’t he seem like Christopher Walken: The Sequel to you guys? (Although technically, I suppose, Christopher Walken is my generation’s Christopher Walken.)

I think it's because of the forehead.

And Satan’s Little Helper totally has the ability to make awesome vintage cars appear out of nowhere, or possibly morph other, lesser cars into awesome vintage cars, it’s hard to tell on this computer screen, so you’re kind of rooting for him because: awesome vintage cars!

Hell doesn't seem so bad now, does it?

Then there’s the “I’ma hurt you” chick, who I thought was kidnapped by the bad guys from the 30-second trailer, but it turns out is Nicolas Cage’s sidekick. And that’s … really all I have to say about her. She sure is blonde though! Yup! Blonde!

Oooh, and I shouldn't forget that she's very, very leggy.

Anyway, Drive Angry could either be awesomely bad or just plain bad, kind of depending on whether we’ve got craaaazy Nicolas Cage or bored Nicolage Cage. Of course, there’s always the unholy combo of crazy bored Nic Cage, and then we’ve just got trouble.

Insert some sort of joke about hell here.

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2 Comments

  1. Travis said,

    As far as I can tell from the commercials the OFFICIAL title is “Drive Angry Shot in 3-D”. Which cracks me up. It wasn’t enough to just call it “Drive Angry 3-D”, they wanted to make sure we knew this masterpiece was MEANT to be viewed in glorious 3-D.

    • lokifire said,

      One thing I never want to see in 3-D ever is Nicolas Cage doing anything.

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