Capt. Jack Sparrow vs. Capt. Hook

March 18, 2011 at 4:39 pm (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , , , , )

The nice thing about movie pirates is the way they totally don’t murder your whole family in front of you and threaten to sodomize your dog, like real pirates. I actually made up that part about what they said they would do to your dog.

Anyway, two of the most famous movie pirates are Capt. Jack Sparrow and Capt. Hook. I don’t feel like I need to give you background on these guys, because they are really, really famous movie pirates. If you do need background, I’d like to congratulate you on rejoining the world after spending all those years in a cave on the moon.

Pictured here: Keith Richards! Er, I mean, Jack Sparrow! Er, I mean … this joke’s been done to death, hasn’t it? Crap.

“Yes, that joke has been done to death. You suck. I would like to disembowel you with the hook I have instead of a hand.”

On to the battlefield, where it’s safe for your family and your dog!

And thank God for that.

Physicality. In a battle of fictional pirates, the pirate who resembles Johnny Depp wins. The pirate who resembles Johnny Depp always wins. Winner? Capt. Jack Sparrow.

Johnny Depp: God’s answer to “What would pretty look like as a man?”

Evilisciousness. I was hedging between this as a category title and Evilocity, and then I thought that Evilocity was an insurance company, so evilisciousness it is. Also, let’s see if I can ever spell that word the same way twice. (I guess I should probably have put word in quotes.) Anyway, Capt. Jack Sparrow and Capt. Hook, as movie pirates, are ever so much less evil than real pirates. But which one is more evil than the other, but not more evil than real pirates? Capt. Jack Sparrow, as far as I know after watching the first two movies and not any of the others (there were others, right?), was kind of self-serving and sneaky, but not so evil that he would do something like kill Keira Knightley’s character for Christ’s sake someone should’ve done it. On the other hand, Capt. Hook’s main goal in life was to murder a little boy. Magical little boy or not, that’s pretty evil. Winner? Capt. Hook.

Look, Peter, I know you don’t have a mother, but if you’re going to go to the trouble of covering up your chest with leaves, cover the whole damn chest, all right?

More flamboyant costume? Dressed garishly, as all movie pirates are, the better for audiences to be able to tell that they are movie pirates, both Capt. Jack Sparrow and Capt. Hook have a fondness for giant hats, feathers and button-up coats. Only one of them wears eyeliner. (Hint: It’s the Johnny Depp one.) Winner? Capt. Jack Sparrow.

They’re calling it guyliner these days, aren’t they?

Has a better sidekick? Capt. Hook’s sidekick is the irrepressible Smee, who is a obese buffoon in the Disney movie, an altogether unsastisfying change from his original incarnation as a ruthless bastard. Still, an obese buffoon is infinitely superior to Keira Knightley and, I hate to admit it because he’s soooo pretty, Orlando Bloom. Winner? Capt. Hook.

The irony is that both the men in this picture are prettier than Keira Knightley.

Has a hook for a hand? Capt. Hook has a hook for a hand, a fact of which he is either very proud and changed his name to suit, or was rather convenient for him because he was already like, “Hey, my name is Hook!” (It’s the first one.) No one would chop off Johnny Depp’s hands for a movie because he has such nice hands. Although I think I’d love him more if he had a chainsaw hand.

I love EVERYTHING more with a chainsaw hand.

Winner? Capt. Hook.

Is eaten by a creature of the deep? Capt. Jack Sparrow gets eaten by a Kraken or something, I don’t know, did anybody else think the second Pirates of the Caribbean movie was so goddamned boring? Later, he somehow comes back, because Disney and Johnny Depp like to buy nice things. Capt. Hook’s hand was eaten by a crocodile, which also ate a clock, so he could hear his doom approaching him. Although, actually, his doom didn’t approach him until the clock stopped working, so he couldn’t actually hear his doom approaching and so it snuck up on him. Or sneaked up on him. I’m never sure about the past tense of that word. Pressing valiantly on! Hook got et by a crocodile. Winner? Well, since both these guys got eaten by creatures typically found in the dark recesses of the waters, I’m going to go ahead and call this a tossup.

Everything was scarier in the book.

Faces more difficult adversaries? Capt. Hook’s adversaries are a magical boy, a tinker fairy and a bunch of other little kids who aren’t particularly magical, but do wear the skins of dead animals. Capt. Jack Sparrow’s adversaries are the navy (British, I think, but *yawn*, second movie soooo boring) and a squid-faced Davy Jones. Also whoever cast Keira Knightley in Pirates of the Caribbean. Winner? Capt. Jack Sparrow.

You probably guessed, but I am not a fan.

For the tie-breaker, which of these characters hasn’t been ruined by awful sequels? Ha, ha, I’m just kidding. Of course Peter Pan’s got sequels. I told you Disney likes to buy nice things.

For the real tie-breaker, which of these characters is more masculine? What with his guyliner and all, Capt. Jack Sparrow has a weak hold on the last threads of his heterosexuality. Sure, he tries to get you to think he’s into the ladies by coming on to Keira Knightley, but we all know if he had any taste in women at all, he’d go after the chick who ended up on Undercovers, because she is gorgeous.

It’s a shame this show sucked and got canceled, because I deserve to have people this attractive on my TV.

Still, he’s good with a sword and grows a magnificent goatee. Capt. Hook doesn’t waste a single minute on trying to convince anyway he’s straight or gay or having sex of any kind at all. He is single-minded in the pursuit of his goal, which is to kill the hell out of a small child. Now that’s a man. (Are you sure?) Whatever, I like Hook better. Winner? Capt. Hook.

Overall winner? Capt. Hook. By a hook.

It’s no chainsaw hand, but it’ll do.


  1. sydney said,

    i just love jhonny depp

  2. sydney said,

    i love jack sparrow i mean

  3. Jack Sparrow | Trends Pics said,

    […] Jack Sparrow vs. Capt. Hook […]

  4. Rod Kindlund said,

    Speaking of Captain Hook and Jack Sparrow… Seen this?

  5. ענת said,

    jack sparrow!!!!!

  6. fethetrollhunter said,

    im pretty sure not ALL hollywood stars hate you 😉

    • lokifire said,

      Well, yeah. A few of them don’t know I exist, I guess.

  7. Bryan Paul’s Puzzling NFL Predictions: Week 14 | Captain Clarky said,

  8. shabin said,

    i love you sparrowwwwww

  9. tulgaa said,

    good boy

  10. vivak sharma said,

    it is best

  11. Alessio Fracchia said,

  12. Alessio Fracchia said,

    jack sparrow sosia
    Jack sparrow impersonator

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  14. Who Doesn’t Love a Pirate…… | Fleuriste Craft Supply said,

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