I feel like Sucker Punch should be my dream movie

March 23, 2011 at 10:44 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, )

Don’t you feel like Sucker Punch should be my dream movie?

I mean, look at that. The poster is telling me I will be unprepared! It's like this movie has looked deep into my soul and KNOWS ME.

It’s got sword fights and slow-motion action sequences and the chick from Watchmen and a fire-breathing dragon. It’s directed by Zack Snyder, who always makes stylistic, beautiful movies! Or mostly does, I guess; I’ve only ever seen Watchmen. I’ve heard 300 is beautiful, though, what with all the naked men chests in it.

That's a lot of chest.

But back on topic, we’re talking about Sucker Punch, and how it is chock full of geeky awesomeness. Sailor schoolgirl uniforms! Nazis who turn out to be zombies! An excape from a mental institution! Robots! Gigantic samurai with machine guns! It has everything a geek could ever love.

Wait a second. Giant samurai with machine guns?

And I think that’s the problem. It’s like baking a cake, filling it with twinkies and brownies and topping it off with frosting that is made of marshmallows that has Oreos in it.

One bite means your death.

It’s just too much.

I mean, seriously, my teeth start hurting when I watch the trailers, like I’ve bitten into a chocolate bar and it gets stuck in my teeth right where that cavity is, you know?

Not too mention, I think you have to be a boy geek to really appreciate the asthetic appeal of the sailor girl uniform. (Any lesbian geeks out there have a fetish? Or is it seriously just for boys?) I mean, sure Emily Browning is just adorable in it and I love her little blonde pigtails, but it’s not making me all squishy inside or anything.

That wide-eyed innocent thing is cute too. I just want to pinch her little round face!

So, um, yeah, I want to love Sucker Punch very much, and I feel like I really should, but I just don’t. And I feel kind of bad about that, like maybe I should try harder and this thing between us would work, you know?

Yes, Zach, I mean the thing where I actually go see your movies. I'm so sorry.

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8 Comments

  1. Travis said,

    Amanda Seyfried was supposed to have the lead role, but she had to back out because of her “Big Love” contract with HBO. 😦

    • lokifire said,

      Oh DAMN then I would have totally wanted to see it. I just love her!!
      (Obviously.)

  2. greg said,

    The A.V. Club dubbed it Comic-Con: The Movie, and it’s not getting a lot of good reviews. So, I don’t have much hope for the next Superman movie. I can only imagine the Man of Steel is going to get hyper-violent or something.

    • lokifire said,

      Heh. Comic-Con: The Movie.
      I don’t think it’s got enough fat guys hitting on the girls to make that anything but an overstatement.

  3. Jamin said,

    don’t listen to the reviews. Sucker Punch was actually damn good, and it’s deeper than a cursory glance may indicate. not much deeper, but still.

    really all i can say without seeing again is that aside from being entertaining, it’s unsettling.

    that, and i really don’t get why they went for a PG-13 rating (watching the movie it’s quite evident they intentionally self-censored to maintain PG-13ness). the number of people who would want to see this movie but wouldn’t or couldn’t see an R movie is very close to 0. i’m not saying more profanity, violence, or nudity would have made the movie better, it just bafffles me that Snyder seemed to be shooting for a target audience that doesn’t exist.

    • lokifire said,

      Teenage boys, Jamin. Teenage boys is the target audience.

      • Jamin said,

        and what teenage boy wouldn’t rather see an R movie than PG-13? plus, i’m pretty sure the target audience is actually 30 year old boys–it worked on me!

        but, i dunno, maybe you’re right.

      • lokifire said,

        Well, yeah, because this way, if the teen boys happen to run into that one theater employee who actually won’t let them in to an R-rated movie, they can still see Sucker Punch.

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