An open plea to James Marsden

March 30, 2011 at 11:06 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , , )

Dear James Marsden,

You are so talented and cute and funny, and you make me so sad. Why do you make me so sad?

Awwww, look how huggable you are here! Do you need a hug? You do! You do need a hug!

Let’s look at your resume, shall we?

Ally McBeal?

Ooooh, Portia de Rossi has such pretty hair, though.

27 Dresses?

That's a lot of dresses. Also? What a stupid movie.

Superman Returns?

An open plea to the makers of the new Superman film: no grit. Please. Superman isn't gritty. PS: thank you for not casting Kate Bosworth.

 X-Men: The Last Stand?

I mean, at least they let your character get killed off right away, but that was only so you could be in the aforementioned Superman Returns, so it's like two layers of suck here.

I mean, sure, there’s some winners in there, like X-Men and X2 and Enchanted, but then you do a voice part in Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore?

I don't mind that Scott Summers is a wanker when he's being played by you, James Marsden.

(Why is this post mostly questions?)

James Marsden, what I am saying, sir, is this: Please stop starring in movies like Hop, which is a Russell Brand vehicle for some reason, because someone apparently wants that stringy-haired Brit to be famous. More famous? (Like, Arthur? What the hell is up with that?)

And why the hair? What with the hair?

(Why can’t I stop phrasing things in the form of questions today? Am I channeling Alex Trebek?)

And if I am, I hope it's the fabulously mustachioed-era Alex Trebek.

To continue, James Marsden, I implore you to be in films that are worthy of 1) your looks; 2) your comedic timing; 3) your looks again; 4) your acting ability; and 5) definitely your looks some more.

It's just that they're quite tremendous, is all.

I’m trying to think of some good suggestions right now, but nothing is coming to me.

Just not the new Wonder Woman television series, OK?

It's going to suck. We all know it's going to suck. Her awesome figure cannot distract from how BADLY the new Wonder Woman is going to suck.

Thanks for your consideration.

(Oh, and in case you were wondering, I’m not seeing Hop.)

I'm sorry, James Marsden, but I just won't do it.



  1. greg said,

    James got hosed in the X-Men movies. Rifftrax had a joke about “Who is that marginal guy?” “You mean Cyclops, the leader?” “Yeah, who’s that guy?” And let’s not kid ourselves here: the new Superman is going to be gritty.

    On the sort-of-bright side, Wonder Woman’s costume was changed to be less awful:,53859/

    • lokifire said,

      But I don’t WANT a gritty Superman. He’s a boy scout, dammit! He’s the red, yellow and blue! But the Superman Returns one burned me so bad, I probably won’t see the new one anyway, Amy Adams as Lois Lane or not.
      Also: Wonder Woman’s costume is the least of our worries. It’s a David E. Kelley show! And it’s Wonder Woman. There is seriously no way it won’t suck.

      • greg said,

        I don’t know if Zach Snyder can do boy scout, although he apparently directed that talking owl movie, so…there’s that. If nothing else, they’re planning on a Justice League movie in a few years that will have a different Superman than Snyder’s, so maybe that’ll be our saving grace?

      • lokifire said,

        Why can’t they just do revivals of the Christopher Reeve ones and call it a day?

      • greg said,

        Because Hollywood hates you.

      • lokifire said,

        Crap, you’re right. I had forgotten.

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