Jesse Custer vs. Firestarter’s dad

April 8, 2011 at 5:50 pm (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , , )

So I was recently re-reading Preacher, and I thought how similar Jesse Custer’s “Word of God” power is to the “Push” power of, you know, whatsisname. Firestarter’s dad. From Firestarter. And then I thought, God, what is his name? And then I thought that I didn’t really care that much.

You could try harder to care.

Jesse Custer: superhero for the ages.

So, on to the epic battle of Jesse Custer and that one guy!

Physicality. So Jesse Custer’s all dark-haired and tall and good-looking, even if, at one point, people wanted to cast Ben Affleck to portray him, I think we can all agree that Ben’s not hideous or anything.

Unlike his buddy Matt Damon here.

Firestarter’s dad had awesome ’80s hair. Winner? Jesse Custer.

Can convince you to do whatever he says? Yeah, if either of these guys is actually trying, they have the psychic ability to make you do whatever they say. It’s like the power of hypnotizing people, but awesome. Winner? A tie.

Can convince you to do whatever he says without suffering mini-strokes or brain aneurisms or whatever? Andy McGee (I totally had to learn his name to do an image search) has the tragic side effect of his superpower is killing him. That sucks. It would be like being Superman, except you got eye cancer every time you used your laser vision.

Gaaah! I can feel the cancer in my eyes!

Or being Wolverine, and being invulnerable makes you die! (Gods, the irony!) Or being Batman, and awesomeness kills! Jesse Custer suffers from no such side effects, and doesn’t even die when he is killed. Winner? Jesse Custer.

Oh, God, my brains hurt so bad right now.

Faces a more powerful enemy? Firestarter’s dad’s enemy is the government. (What? Just ’cause I learned his name doesn’t mean I can remember it 5 seconds later.) The government is a very powerful enemy. Especially when they’ve got crazy scientists and sociopathic assassins on their side. You’d think Firestarter’s dad would have this in the bag, right? Boom! You’re wrong. Jesse Custer is trying to defeat God. And not like in some hypothetical, bullshit metaphysical way. He actually meets God face to face several times and tries to call him on his bullshit. Another enemy he faces is a secret group that, like, owns the government, which automatically makes them more powerful than the government. Also, he’s got the Terminator-esque Saint of Killers to face, so, yeah. Those are some powerful enemies. Winner? Jesse Custer.

I can't remember who I thought should play the Saint of Killers in a Preacher movie, but whoever he is, he's not scary enough.

Has a tragic back story? Andy McGee’s tragic back story is that the government totally murdered his psychic wife and now he and his adorable little pyrokinetic daughter are on the run. That’s sad, but it doesn’t beat Jesse Custer’s tragic back story of how his father was murdered by his gran’ma and her evil cohorts, and he thought his mother was too, but then it turned out she wasn’t actually murdered, just shot in the brains and left to be eaten by alligators (all they got was an arm), and then they killed his dog and his best friend and put him in a coffin in the swamp for days at a time, and then they made him become a preacher and threatened to murder his girlfriend. Oh, and then they did murder his girlfriend. (It’s OK, though. God brought her back to life.) *Sniff* That is so goddamn tragic. Winner? Jesse Custer.

And after Tulip came back to life, she helped kill the hell out of Jesse's evil family, because she is the best girlfriend ever.

Has an adorable, superpowerful daughter? Firestarter’s dad has an adorable, superpowerful daughter! Jesse Custer, as far as I know, does not. Winner? Firestarter’s dad. (I was feeling bad for him.)

Drew Barrymore was just so wee and cute here! Also deadly. Can't forget the deadly.

Has a cooler best friend? I don’t know if Firestarter’s dad has a best friend. He probably can’t trust anybody, what with being on the run from the government and all. But Jesse Custer has had two best friends: the first being a one-eyed mutant inbred freak and the second being a vampire back in the days before everybody and their plain sister was dating vampires. Winner? Jesse Custer.

Yeah, he's not one of those sensitive vampires.

 

This seems like as good a place as any to slip in that picture of Arseface that I found, because: wheeee! Arseface!

Came back to life? Poor Firestarter and her dad. When he died, he died for good. Kaput, the end. When Jesse Custer died, God brought him back to life. Also, God saved him when he fell out of a plane, but then he ripped Jesse’s eye out, so that one was kind of a wash. Meh. Winner? Jesse Custer.

Because I’m feeling bad about the trouncing served up to Firestarter’s dad, overall winner? Jesse “Preacherman” Custer.

You know, I'm not sure why he kept wearing the collar after he quit preaching, other than Garth Ennis and Steve Dillon thought it looked cool.

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2 Comments

  1. Jamin said,

    ahhh, good ol’ Cassidey. i sure miss the good ol’ days when vampires were men/horrible monsters, rather than emo sparkly boys. plus, the best NPC companion in my favorite videogame was named after him (Fallout 2, if anyone’s wondering).

    • lokifire said,

      Yeah, Cassidy was always my favorite character, even after Garth Ennis tried to ruin him by making him a jerk. Plus, I learned so much of my overseas swearing from him! (And Jenny Sparks!) God bless the European comic book characters!

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